We went to see Coraline yesterday and while I loved the movie, it seemed to lay bare all my anxieties about being a good mom.The movie is about Coraline, a spirited and independent girl (as I hope you will be) who finds a magic door in her new house that leads to another world and her "other" family.
Her first mom (her real mom) is the working mother who is crabby all the time, never cooks, and never seems to have time for fun and games. Clearly under the heat of a tough deadline, she doesn't even have time for groceries and the whole house looks neglected.
Her second mom (the "other" mom) is the perfect stay-at-home mother who bakes up culinary masterpieces, has a great garden, and entertains like nobodies business. The fantasy starts to unwind however as Coraline realizes that the only way this mom can have a life is if she takes over her children's lives and well, basically, this mom is a complete psycho.
See - this does lay my fears of life-balance out there! On one hand, I'm afraid of working too much, not paying enough attention to your life, and not having enough time for you or our family. On the other hand, I'm afraid staying at home all the time will leave me living my life through my children and, well, psycho.
The movie also showed that mothers face inevitable drama with their daughters but dads seem to dodge this bullet; while the fantasy dad was a little more flamboyant and fun, her real dad seemed lovable too and he made her laugh even though the same behavior in her mom made her smirk. Hm.
Yes, this double standard does seem to be the way of things. I'm not sure if it's societal or natural but it is there. And the difficult stages of our mother/daughter relationship are out there too and coming no matter what. You're bound to say "I hate you", "you never let me do anything," and the much-dreaded "muthurrr" some day. And (while I will always, always, always love you) I am quite sure that there will be times when I don't like you very much either.
One thing that makes me feel better in all of this is my own mom. Even though she had to work more than she liked, she found a work/home balance that met our needs and hopefully hers. It wasn't ever easy but she did great and I have always loved her. And even in the most trying times of our relationship (menarch at my end and menopause on hers couldn't have helped much, right?) we respected and loved one another. And now that I'm an adult, I absolutely adore her. In fact, she's one of my very favorite people in the whole world. We have a lot in common and get a long very well.
Do you think the same could be possible for us? I sure hope so.
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