Your rights are not up for grabs

My dearest Lucy,

Umbrellas up, we joined nearly 5 million people across the globe in the women's march this weekend. It was possibly the largest protest in Oregon, the United States, AND world-wide history.

I brought your cat hat to the parade but I didn't give it to you until we got there. We stopped to talk because I figured you'd want to understand what "pussy" was referring to in this march before you decided whether you wanted to wear it.

You had heard part of the quote from Donald Trump so we read the whole (completely awful) thing. Then I explained that by saying "grab them by the pussy," he was referring to grabbing a woman's vulva without her permission.

Shocked and very upset, you were starting to cry when you asked, "You mean someone like him can grab me there? And that's OK? He just can?!" I said "No. It's not ok! See all these people around you...all of these hats and cat signs? Every one of them is out here to say that it is definitely NOT ok. Talking about women like that is NOT ok. Grabbing a woman like that is NOT okay. And no one should think it is ok. Ever. Again."

The fear on your face went away so fast and you just lit up. And all of the sudden, I was so grateful that you had learned about it HERE. You had been in THIS crowd, with THESE people to get your first glimpse into sexual violence. You are so young – I have not wanted you near the topic. But it is looming close in your future. Like me, you must soon face that being female means some people will want to intimidate, use, and control you. And like me, you must accept we have a president that said THIS and other horrible things. Among many reasons I am grateful you EXPERIENCED, in a beautiful way, that most people agree that it is NOT ok. We want women to have safety and equality. We want YOU to feel valued and safe.

Yes, we've got some big problems. But have hope. Take a look around! All kinds of people are willing to show up and work to make things better.

Love you,
Mama

(With thanks to the Pussy Hat Project and all the worldwide march participants. You changed her world. And you changed mine!)

Don't be mistaken, men do have a say

I was talking with someone yesterday about abortion and their complaint was that men should have just as much a say about whether a pregnancy is terminated as a woman. The thing is - men do have a say in the decision; they just need to be informed enough to use it.

For both genders, this is the bottom line: if you have engaged in unprotected sex without a plan, it means you either a) didn't care about having an abortion, or b) didn't have the information and preparation that you needed. Too many people (men and women) fall into that latter category. If you are even thinking about sex (yes, this includes EVERYONE), you need this information. Shame on us if you didn't have it. Early education does prevent abortion!

So here are the facts

Engaging in unprotected sex has a high pregnancy risk!! Take heed and be prepared if you are not ready to take that risk (including the risk of abortion)!!

Every man needs to know:
First: the second you put sperm in another woman's vagina, you let go of the decision on what happens to it. It. Is. Gone.

• If it impregnates that woman and she decides to abort, or to complete the pregnancy - YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE. 
• If you really don't want to have an abortion, you cannot make that mistake.
• If you really don't want to have a baby right now, you cannot make that mistake.
• Take time to contemplate this decision and understand the exact laws in your state before you have sex.

Every woman needs to know:
First: even if you don't want to have an abortion, you might be pressured into it. While you should ultimately get to decide whether to abort: your parents, boyfriend, friends, boss, pastor, etc may push you one way or the other. The best way to take care of your baby is with the support of everyone in your life. Choosing to go against them in this decision may cost you your boyfriend, your family, your job, or your religion.

Everyone needs to know:
You can control your risk of pregnancy and abortion but you must understand how.

• You can abstain from sex all together.
• You can also choose sexual contact that doesn't risk a pregnancy such as oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation, etc.
• You can use birth control. Using two methods is probably a good idea if you are very apposed to the idea of an abortion. Any use of birth control requires an incredible amount of trust and agreement with your partner. And please make sure you are using it correctly.

Sorry if this is a rant, but I think it's important. I plan on trusting you and letting you use your own agency to make sexual decisions. THAT'S A BIG JOB FOR YOU. I'm working hard to prepare you to be ready for it. Making a mistake because you didn't have the right information is something I never want to happen for you.

Love you so much,

Mama

#yesallwomen

Sexism. Misogyny. Do you know what these are? Do you know what they look like? They are real. We are (and will always be) fighting to keep them out of your life.

This is what they have looked like in my life.

When I was 5 and playing "house" with friends, we always disussed our husband's jobs but never our own. We never considered options outside being home with babies.

Recently, you have been talking about a possible career as a vet, a pet costume designer, or a magician.

When I was in junior high, a boy lied about someone feeling me up on the bus. It never happened but I got called a slut for weeks anyway. My best friend (a boy) believed him and we weren't even friends after that. I dreaded school for the rest of the year. And I never told my mom or a teacher because I was so embarrassed and thought it was probably my fault.

Growing breasts was hugely traumatic. It changed the way girls and boys (and adults!) treated me.  After taking my measurements for costumes, my high school dance teacher called me "that kind of girl" with a wink in front of the whole class. Somehow I was considered more sexual than others because of a bust size I had no control over.

Remarks about my body created almost constant anxiety while doing what I loved best - dancing.

Men wore activity-appropriate, less-covering sports clothing and showered together at school. But women around me followed a modest dress code ALL THE TIME - so much so that I never saw naked bodies. The only bodies I saw were in advertisements. This encouraged me and others to compare ourselves to unrealistic and unhealthy standard of beauty.

Naked bike ride? YES. I want you to see a REAL naked body for every one that you see in advertising. Marketers should not own our body expectations or desires.

Several times in junior high and high school, I felt guilt after being grabbed or touched inappropriately. Again, I felt it must have been something I did, or something I wore.

I often wore baggy shirts to hide a frame that drew unwanted attention.

I often acted dumb, or fine, or not hungry - altering my attributes and needs to meet the expectations of my dates. I thought attention was something I needed to earn by being just the right amount of cute-smart-fun. Any attention I earned could be something I owed back in praise or physical attention.

I didn't know or like this boy but if he bought me a nice dinner, I probably let him kiss me.

When I was single, "I have a boyfriend" was always more likely to get a guy to back off than "no." If I really felt unsafe, I used a fake wedding ring to mark myself as claimed. And it worked.

Even now, the wedding ring on my finger that makes me feel safer around men, and sometimes more acceptable to women. I am not free game. I am not competition.

Even now, I can never leave my drink unattended at a bar or a party. It isn't safe.

Even now, men doing the same work I do make more money.

Even now, I am always aware of an exit or way to escape if I am around some men.

The good news is times are changing.

Expectations of women and men are rising.

A person deserves to be treated well no matter what they are wearing.

A person's sexuality and life choices are complex and can't be assessed by what their body is shaped like or by what they wear.

We limit your access to advertising and surround you with respectful people who want everyone to be safe and comfortable being themselves.

Using the peace sign at school where your teachers constantly talk about kindness and caring for friends. 

And I feel like Portland is a much safer place to live than Salt Lake City.

Acceptance of gays means renewed respect for diversity and safety for all people.

If gays are more accepted and safer on our streets, you will be too. Nothing makes me feel more safe than seeing our neighbor casually walking down the street in drag.

I want you to grow up in a world that loves and respects both of you. I want you to be able to handle the confusion, the difficulty, and the intense feelings you have when being with other people. Communicating your interests and feelings respectfully is difficult - but you will learn to do it! You are not going to take advantage of others. You are not going to stand by while others take advantage of you.

Yes. Despite our efforts, misogyny will touch you. Sexism will be encouraged and played out by people around you. And I hope to prepare you to act as needed to protect yourself and maybe even others.

Be respectful. Be brave. Ask for help. You are worth helping. And you are so very loved.

Love,
Mama

In this case, it means "busted."

In the packed school hallway, next to the teacher and various parents.

Her: "Mom, what's a nooner?"
Me: "Um...something that happens at noon."
Her: "So why'd you say 'thanks for the great nooner' to dad?"
Me: "Um..."
Her: Looking at adults, clearly wondering what's funny.
Me: "Uh... where did your backpack go?"

Wow. If you were going for maximum dose of humility, I am not sure you could have timed that better.  I will try to forget before you are fifteen and have a facebook page.

BOOM!

Once upon a time, a writer for Murphy Brown wrote a single line of dialogue that changed my life.

I can't remember it exactly. It was a come back line said to some younger, sexier women who were belittling Murphy Brown, the heroine of the show. It was something like “Yes you are beautiful and young, but you know what?” (and this is the part I really remember) "I have an orgasm every time I have sex.”

(((( BOOM! ))))

My brain kind of exploded.

I did not even know what an orgasm was at the time, but just by the way she said it and the way the other women responded, I knew the remark meant something HUGE. And not too suprisingly, that something HUGE took me a while to figure out.

There is something more valuable to a woman than beauty and youth?

Expectations of sex can move beyond being desired?

Women are just as powerful and deserving as men?

Wow.

That is a whole lot of information for one line from a random TV show.

To note: your dad remembers the line too. (((( BOOM! ))))

I’m wondering if a bit of the proof in this article means we weren't the only ones. Did that one line start something HUGE for a lot of people?

I’m sharing this here just in case it does the same for you.