Free range sacrament meeting

Our ward is beyond mellow. Since there are only a few families, often all the kids are moving around during sacrament meeting and quietly playing together. Since the kids mostly quiet and well behaved (ahem, Henry), this unusual behavior seems to be tolerated by everyone and I am happy to go with it. These are some wonderful kids for you to have as friends.

This week, I brought Bendaroos. And hooray - your "tribe" created this wonderful tipi and Indians set. Love!

Mom and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Motherhood has taken me to the highest highs and the lowest lows. Just when I think I've felt the entire spectrum, it expands. The days you were born and on many moments since, I had no idea I could feel so much love, joy, and purpose. Other times, we hit the other end with soul crushing sadness and frustration that beats any I ever experienced before you two.

Today took me a little lower than I though possible.

What was it that had me screaming(!) in tears in dad's arms the second he came through the door?

Exhaustion? Frustration? Your endless horrible attitudes? So painful I can't even tell you.

This job of being your mom is REALLY HARD. Sooooooooooo much harder than I ever imagined. On days when I fell connected to you and satisfied that we are accomplishing some basics and having a few tender moments, it is survivable. That my efforts feel worthwhile and purposeful refuel me and help me keep going.

But on days when I don't feel like I'm doing a good job of it and all you do is whine and fight, it is possibly THE MOST DEPRESSING THING EVER IMAGINABLE.

Today was the worst day we have ever had together. We hit a wall today and I lost it in screaming tears. Twice.

Can we never (ever ever ever ever ever ever) do that again?

Sure, sure mom. Nod nod. Sigh.

Well, at least I'm not alone. Is it particularly immature of me to find solace in the complaints of other parents?

"Three year olds are great because just in case you didn't hear something the first time they will let you know another 728 times." ~@scrappydoo36

And having my pet, Dinarrhea (Lucy: "You know, because she is a dinosaur and also a ballerina."), by the bed is a new perk.

Yes, it was touch and go but your dad and a few laughs got me through another dark day. Just in case, let's keep the straight jacket on standby for a few years yet.

Love,
Mama

1,800 miles later...

We survived an epic roadtrip to Utah. The drive went like this:

Portland - Hagerman - Bountiful - Midway - Salina - Pleasant Grove - Midway - Salina - Upper ranch cabin - Salina - Midway - Salt Lake City - Midway - Bountiful - Huntsville - Logan - Pendleton - HOME in Portland!

We had LOTS of "igventures" - horses, swimming pools, cabins, COUSINS...and you watched about 3 million hours of shows on your iPads along the way.

With all those miles, there were a few extra bathroom breaks and calls of "are we there yet?" But mostly it was great. Road travel is about ten thousand times with you than it used to be.

Before:

Now:

And even some of:

Ahhhhhhhhh!

See photos from our trip

Small affections everywhere

Today, you went down the big water slide by yourself. Another first. Another barrier broken. At the top, I waved to you and gave you our signal - a hand motion that means "I love you" in sign language. You smiled and slid on down.

Giving you that sign has become one of our rituals. A last little send off at school. A message I can slip you when I catch you looking around for something. A small amount of affection I'm allowed to send across the room.

Small affections everywhere - becoming so ubiquitous that you notice less that they are there, and more when they are not.

And that's what we have always intended. The kind of childhood where you know someone will be waiting at the bottom for you. Someone picking you up on time after school. Someone loving you No. Matter. What.

What I did not expect, was that you return the love in so many ways. Gifts. Notes. Hugs. I love them all. Some so much they make my heart skip a beat or two.

Maybe, just maybe, you can kill with kindness? But I am ok with that because it's going to be a long, happy, and contented death.