Leaps and bounds

You are changing so much every day right now it is hard to keep up. I want to follow you around with a video camera and catch all the cute little things you are doing and saying. You are becoming a little person and it is amazing!

Physically

You are toddling more securely every day. Your penguin-like stance with stiff arms and quick moving legs is slightly precarious and absolutely adorable to watch. You are learning to handle inclines and changes of surface with less falling and even when you lose balance, you often catch yourself in a stiff sway. Every day brings a few head bonks and a couple of face plants though. I think we'll be keeping you off of hard surfaces for a while yet.

Your body is changing shape with all of the baby olympics. You do hundreds of squats every day and can hold yourself in a low position for a surprising amount of time. You can climb up and down stairs and on and off of low furniture. Your world is an obstacle course and, my oh my, you are getting a workout.

Opting for bigger movements and lots of roving, you aren't spending much time on fine motor skills. You are interested in opening and closing containers though and I have to keep the "child-proof" bottles out of your way because they are not Lucy proof.

Language

You spent about a month saying only "whatissszat" but now you are sprinkling back in words we've heard you use before and a new one almost every day. You say "mama" and "dada" all the time. You point out any elephant, butterfly or dog you see. You also greet dogs with a "wov wov wov" barking noise that is oddly heart-melting for me. If you hear an airplane in the sky, you are quick to shout out "aero" and point to the sky.

Some words seem to come from nowhere. Today, you saw a toy character and said "Elmo" clear as day. How did that marketing juggernaut reach you already? And yesterday, I said lizard and you pointed to a picture of one. Have we shown you lizards before?

You use sign language for "more" and "all done" and sometimes "drink." Instead of the food sign, you just say mmMMmm if you are hungry.

My favorite lately is your singing. You like to sing the first line of Hot Cross Buns sounding something like "ha ca bah." You also like the "Up above the world so high" line from Twinkle Twinkle and you sing that "up a buh buh buh buh buh ... hi." You love it when we sing to you and almost always offer a little applause and sign for more. Some favorite songs we sing a lot: If You're Happy and You Know it, Bats Are Sleeping, Wheels on the Bus, Old McDonald, Bingo, Three Blind Mice, and just about anything I can think of when I get sick of those by 9 a.m.

Play

Jamie brought you a sit-on rocket that was Dane's to play with and you love climbing on and off it. You also love carrying a purse on your shoulder, taking it on and off, and putting various things in and out of it. You carry around a doll or stuffed animal a lot of the time too. You give them hugs and kisses and take them for rides in your cart. Of course, you also throw them down stairs and run over them with your rocket.

Any play with water keeps you occupied and happy. We've been exploring park fountains and wading pools all over town. They are usually packed with kids and decked out with waterfalls or sprinklers or some other fun feature. You also love to swim in a plastic pool in the backyard. You don't always enjoy your bath however, as we make you sit down and that is apparently unacceptable.

You still love books and will sit and read and sing with us several times a day. Your attention span seems shorter than it seemed to be at 12 months though. The urge to move has taken over and you need to wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.

Socially

You seem to understand that you are your own person. You will point to yourself when we ask "where's Lucy?" Sometimes, I can see that you are feeling something that I am not getting and this can be frustrating for both of us. Luckily, it doesn't last long and we aren't into any major fussings or tantrums...yet.

You laugh a lot and like to show us your toys and point out things you are looking at. You love to be chased and peek-a-boo is still a favorite. If I catch you in the right mood, I get lots of slobbery kisses and hugs complete with pats on the back.

You have stayed open and friendly to the world and most strangers which I am sooooo happy about. Yesterday, we had a new sitter here and I was really afraid you'd start crying when we left but you were fine and settled right in with her. I however, proceeded to have a small panic attack at leaving you with a near-stranger. Daddy's reassurances that she "probably hardly ever does meth" were only moderately helpful.

We love you baby,

Mama

Thank you for reminding me

I'd almost forgotten how magical summer can be. The fountains are all running with water. Delicious blueberries and raspberries are just waiting to be picked. The parks are full of laughter and chances for adventure. You are toddling after it all and I am having fun trying to keep up.

Taste of summer

We have made two trips to the coast this month and both times your dad made this recipe. It's delicious and easy. I would never have guessed a recipe with clams would become a favorite but this one makes the cut!

Spaghetti With Clams

Ingredients:
1 pound spaghetti
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/4 cup thinly sliced garlic
1 1/4 teaspoons crushed red pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup dry white wine
2 pounds small clams, such as Littlenecks, or cockles, scrubbed and purged in salted water, any open or broken clams discarded
1/2 cup chopped fresh parsley leaves
Lemon wedges, accompaniment

Directions:
In a large pot of salted water, cook the spaghetti until al dente. Drain and return to the pot, and cover to keep warm.

In a large saute pan or pot, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the garlic, red pepper, and salt and cook, stirring, until fragrant and golden, 3 to 4 minutes, being careful not to let the garlic burn. Add the wine and clams, cover, and cook, shaking occasionally, until the clams open, about 4 minutes. Remove from the heat and discard any clams that do not open.

Add the cooked pasta and parsley and toss well to combine and warm the pasta. Divide among 4 or 6 pasta bowls or large plates. Garnish with lemon wedges and serve.

Maybe no baby

Today is a difficult day. We've lost the sweet baby I've been telling you about, a baby brother or sister that was to be born the beginning of next year to complete our family. You don't understand what I've been telling you which has made you the perfect confidant as I've needed a listening ear while I have gotten used to and then progressively excited about the idea.

But alas, the fault of no one, this baby wasn't meant to be.

I am actually ok at the moment and quite rational today. I can't promise as much for the coming weeks. As the loss hits me and my hormones crash into oblivion, I will probably be crying over every diaper ad I see, not to mention spilled milk, baby animals, broken toys, dryer lint, and well, you get the picture. It may not be pretty but I promise – I will be ok and eventually back to normal and still loving you every minute. Your hugs are my very favorite medicine.

This isn't the first time I've lost a pregnancy. The first was before you were born and the pain of that experience was so acute and intense, it is difficult to put into words. It was a loss compounded by months and months of fertility stress that had left us wondering if we were ever going to have a baby. Finally being pregnant was the biggest relief I have ever felt in my life. Losing that baby at just 7 weeks was absolutely devastating, and made even worse by days of not knowing what was really going on. The whole experience left a dull ache in my heart that really only got better after seeing your face for the first time and finally believing that you were mine.

This time is different in so many ways.

Most importantly, we have you and you are more than I once dared hope for. If we never have another child, I will still feel beyond blessed.

Plus, during your pregnancy and birth, I developed a new and incredible respect for my body. I absolutely trust that it knows what is doing and I know it wouldn't be letting this pregnancy go unless it was supposed to.

Also, I must admit, my desire for another child and confidence that I can handle a larger family is not entirely black and white. For the last few months I have been mulling over many questions and I still don't have the answers...

Is it better for you to have a sibling or to have our undivided attention?
Can I handle being pregnant while chasing down a 2-year-old?
Can we really let you grow up “alone?”
Will you have the loving relationship with a sibling that I hope for or you will you just fight all the time anyway?
Will another child put too much pressure on our marriage?
Does the well that holds my mental health, energy and abilities go deep enough for me to manage two?
Even if I am afraid, can my heart let go of the feelings I have for another child?

All this isn't to say that we didn't want this baby and that part of me isn't heartbroken. No, we have been overjoyed at such an impending gift. We’ve been talking nurseries and names, imagining a whole new life and a backseat with two (!) carseats. I've been dreaming of a new little face and lots of laughter between you (along with the inevitable "she's touching me" and "I'm telling" refrains).

And despite the incredible difficulties, I can hardly say how much I have treasured the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, and carrying for a newborn. It has been so amazing and I have felt so alive and purposeful. There have been many days when I feel it going by all too fast and I really do rely on the comfort that I might get to do this again.

Although during a few days here and there, I must admit, I’ve considered putting you at the curb and gotten by only by counting the minutes until your dad got home so I could run off and try to reclaim a trifle of sanity.

And now?

Well, I really don't know what happens next. Can your dad and I face starting over again? What is the best thing for our family?

I hope you will be patient with me over the next weeks as my body and spirit heal. I hope you will forgive us for denying or giving you a sibling when we decide what we think is best. Please know that no matter what happens next, I love you and nothing will ever change that.

Yours always,
Mama

July 4th in Manzanita

We went to the hometown parade in Manzanita, Oregon. You waved your flag and clapped for all the dogs in the parade.

You wore a darling dress from cousin Athena and some knee-protecting pants I made to match. The cuff was supposed to be a simple ruffle but I messed it up so bad, I had to add lots of ribbon to cover it up. Oh well - turned out cute.