When I got to choose your books

Today, for dress-as-book-character day, you dressed up as Emily from the Amulet series (main character, happens to be a girl) and Rapunzel from Rapunzels Revenge (the graphic novel with the empowered cowgirl twist).

I am realizing that all the feminist books we've had around the house are having an effect on you both. And I'm sad to say that I haven't been able to find the same selection for racial diversity.

When you were little, I went to bookstores and the Library asking "Can you help me find books that feature brown people but aren't about them *being* brown?" As you can imagine, the conversations were pretty weird. But I am constantly looking for narratives that you can really connect to. Books about Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr, and Obama are important too - but I want you to see that regular kids (just like other characters you love) can be different races. Brown is totally great. Brown is totally normal.

When I started looking, there weren't very many options. A couple of librarians suggested animal books since they avoid the race issue altogether. That was a sad moment for me - realizing that publishing isn't as inclusive as I had always assumed.

I searched again today and I am FINDING A WHOLE BUNCH MORE! Many other families must have been seeking out diverse media because consumer demand seems to be pushing publishers to be more inclusive. I am so grateful!!

I love books and I love how much they can change what you see in the world. I will enjoy the magic of choosing books for you as long as I can.

Some of our favorites are here:

• https://www.pinterest.com/mfivecrows/irresistable-also-racially-diverse/
• https://thebrownbookshelf.com/our-books/
• http://ailanet.org/activities/american-indian-youth-literature-award/
• https://www.leeandlow.com

Your rights are not up for grabs

My dearest Lucy,

Umbrellas up, we joined nearly 5 million people across the globe in the women's march this weekend. It was possibly the largest protest in Oregon, the United States, AND world-wide history.

I brought your cat hat to the parade but I didn't give it to you until we got there. We stopped to talk because I figured you'd want to understand what "pussy" was referring to in this march before you decided whether you wanted to wear it.

You had heard part of the quote from Donald Trump so we read the whole (completely awful) thing. Then I explained that by saying "grab them by the pussy," he was referring to grabbing a woman's vulva without her permission.

Shocked and very upset, you were starting to cry when you asked, "You mean someone like him can grab me there? And that's OK? He just can?!" I said "No. It's not ok! See all these people around you...all of these hats and cat signs? Every one of them is out here to say that it is definitely NOT ok. Talking about women like that is NOT ok. Grabbing a woman like that is NOT okay. And no one should think it is ok. Ever. Again."

The fear on your face went away so fast and you just lit up. And all of the sudden, I was so grateful that you had learned about it HERE. You had been in THIS crowd, with THESE people to get your first glimpse into sexual violence. You are so young – I have not wanted you near the topic. But it is looming close in your future. Like me, you must soon face that being female means some people will want to intimidate, use, and control you. And like me, you must accept we have a president that said THIS and other horrible things. Among many reasons I am grateful you EXPERIENCED, in a beautiful way, that most people agree that it is NOT ok. We want women to have safety and equality. We want YOU to feel valued and safe.

Yes, we've got some big problems. But have hope. Take a look around! All kinds of people are willing to show up and work to make things better.

Love you,
Mama

(With thanks to the Pussy Hat Project and all the worldwide march participants. You changed her world. And you changed mine!)

Feminism happened to this book

#yesallwomen

Sexism. Misogyny. Do you know what these are? Do you know what they look like? They are real. We are (and will always be) fighting to keep them out of your life.

This is what they have looked like in my life.

When I was 5 and playing "house" with friends, we always disussed our husband's jobs but never our own. We never considered options outside being home with babies.

Recently, you have been talking about a possible career as a vet, a pet costume designer, or a magician.

When I was in junior high, a boy lied about someone feeling me up on the bus. It never happened but I got called a slut for weeks anyway. My best friend (a boy) believed him and we weren't even friends after that. I dreaded school for the rest of the year. And I never told my mom or a teacher because I was so embarrassed and thought it was probably my fault.

Growing breasts was hugely traumatic. It changed the way girls and boys (and adults!) treated me.  After taking my measurements for costumes, my high school dance teacher called me "that kind of girl" with a wink in front of the whole class. Somehow I was considered more sexual than others because of a bust size I had no control over.

Remarks about my body created almost constant anxiety while doing what I loved best - dancing.

Men wore activity-appropriate, less-covering sports clothing and showered together at school. But women around me followed a modest dress code ALL THE TIME - so much so that I never saw naked bodies. The only bodies I saw were in advertisements. This encouraged me and others to compare ourselves to unrealistic and unhealthy standard of beauty.

Naked bike ride? YES. I want you to see a REAL naked body for every one that you see in advertising. Marketers should not own our body expectations or desires.

Several times in junior high and high school, I felt guilt after being grabbed or touched inappropriately. Again, I felt it must have been something I did, or something I wore.

I often wore baggy shirts to hide a frame that drew unwanted attention.

I often acted dumb, or fine, or not hungry - altering my attributes and needs to meet the expectations of my dates. I thought attention was something I needed to earn by being just the right amount of cute-smart-fun. Any attention I earned could be something I owed back in praise or physical attention.

I didn't know or like this boy but if he bought me a nice dinner, I probably let him kiss me.

When I was single, "I have a boyfriend" was always more likely to get a guy to back off than "no." If I really felt unsafe, I used a fake wedding ring to mark myself as claimed. And it worked.

Even now, the wedding ring on my finger that makes me feel safer around men, and sometimes more acceptable to women. I am not free game. I am not competition.

Even now, I can never leave my drink unattended at a bar or a party. It isn't safe.

Even now, men doing the same work I do make more money.

Even now, I am always aware of an exit or way to escape if I am around some men.

The good news is times are changing.

Expectations of women and men are rising.

A person deserves to be treated well no matter what they are wearing.

A person's sexuality and life choices are complex and can't be assessed by what their body is shaped like or by what they wear.

We limit your access to advertising and surround you with respectful people who want everyone to be safe and comfortable being themselves.

Using the peace sign at school where your teachers constantly talk about kindness and caring for friends. 

And I feel like Portland is a much safer place to live than Salt Lake City.

Acceptance of gays means renewed respect for diversity and safety for all people.

If gays are more accepted and safer on our streets, you will be too. Nothing makes me feel more safe than seeing our neighbor casually walking down the street in drag.

I want you to grow up in a world that loves and respects both of you. I want you to be able to handle the confusion, the difficulty, and the intense feelings you have when being with other people. Communicating your interests and feelings respectfully is difficult - but you will learn to do it! You are not going to take advantage of others. You are not going to stand by while others take advantage of you.

Yes. Despite our efforts, misogyny will touch you. Sexism will be encouraged and played out by people around you. And I hope to prepare you to act as needed to protect yourself and maybe even others.

Be respectful. Be brave. Ask for help. You are worth helping. And you are so very loved.

Love,
Mama

Celebrating Richard Scarry (and women's lib!)

Happy Birthday Richard Scarry!!

For a man who's artistic skills began with copying his mom's handwriting to get out of class and sketching nude women, Richard Scarry came a long way to become one of the world's most loved children's book illustrators and authors. And the world has come a long way beside him.

See more side-by-side comparisons here.

As his books have been printed and reprinted, more and more pieces have been updated to capture the changes in our culture and attitudes. Less sexism. Less racism.

In old versions of his books, the doctors/astronauts/firefighters/cops/constructions workers were always men. Women only come into play as moms, nurses, and teachers.

In a time before Huckle's mom could buy her own damn dress.

Your dad has been altering the genders as we have been reading the books all along. You might say his reading makes them super-feminist. But a new one we got from the library is catching up.

Land alive - I do believe it's a female dentist!

But I must admit, one of my favorites as a kid was "Pierre Bear" about an Alaskan bear who bought his wife during a trip to town.

There was a bit about the whole family wearing matching coats that got me every time.

It is out of print, and out of style - just like misogyny. Ahhhh. Maybe we should celebrate with some matching coats.

xoxo,
Mama

Exploring the depths of "happily ever after"

Dear kids,

(and to Jess, who's Happily Ever After is just about to begin)

When I was a little girl, my friends and I often played "house." In this game, we were the moms of baby dolls (always girls) who we endlessly dressed and pretended to feed and put to sleep. Mostly, our interactions were about dressing and feeding our babies, and about putting them to sleep. But occasionally, conversation would stray into talking about our husbands who were always "at work." For a time, we argued over which occupation our husbands had - with the unspoken agreement that having the most prestigious husband made us the Best Wife. We argued over the highest value job being doctor, accountant, or lawyer (why these three professions and not federal judge or astronaut, I really don't know). But growing tired of this portion of the game, we called a truce and decided that each of our husbands was a "doc-a-law." That is a doctor, accountant, and lawyer together - what we thought would truly be the greatest job title of all time.

Never once in this game did we discuss any of us having our own job besides taking care of little "Mary" (in vogue due to Little House on the Prairie and always the doll name chosen first) or "Sarah Elizabeth" (my go-to favorite name if I didn't get Mary). It was not in our brains that we could be a doctor, accountant, lawyer, or (drumroll...) doc-a-law, or any other profession for that matter. We were moms.

Computers in the "olden days" didn't have graphics and there was no Internet so I could not have imagined marrying a graphic designer or becoming a web manager.

Fast forward to my school years - and throughout them, I did well. I liked learning, school was generally engaging and I liked being a good student - not because I needed to in order to get into a special college, but just because it was part of who I was. Maybe I started as a good student early on and just kept with the script all the way through.

I went to college. I found classes in psychology interesting so that become my major. The purpose of college didn't really connect with specific job ideas. I had the idea that I needed a degree and college was fun so why not? I also worked part-time to make money for fun and a few necessities. And I liked to work. It was rewarding and interesting. I met great people. The structure was helpful for my somewhat hectic and scattered life.

Then I met your dad and quickly got swept into ideas of love and marriage that dominated any unoccupied hours and left little room for anything else.

And it was all to culminate with our wedding. Not just a wedding, but a Temple Marriage (hosts singing "ahhhhh"). AKA, the end-all, be-all achievement of all my training as a youth in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We would get married and together, we would blissfully sail into the sunset, "Happily Ever After."

So far, so good - this was what I had planned for. All the important people in my life were supportive and proud. It was beautiful and wonderful and happy and exciting.

Here we are, ready to set sail into "Happily Ever After"

And then...

We got back from our honeymoon to sweltering heat that practically baked the charming stone house we had rented. No, it did NOT have air conditioning. No, I had never lived without air conditioning before. And we were broke. And we didn't have any furniture. And I was lonely for family, now hundreds of miles away. It was not a sweet homecoming.

There was one unforgettable moment of absolute reckoning for both of us. It was during a trip to Walmart to buy a fan so we could get some sleep, on the floor, in our 115 degree house (not exagerating). Staring at the shelf of fans, I realized that I could not just say (as I wanted to) "Okay, that was fun. Now it is time to go home." This is home. THIS is my life now. And I REALLY DON'T KNOW THE PERSON I JUST MARRIED.

We finally slept with our new fan blowing through a wet sheet. We laughed again. We comforted one another. We let some of our careful packaging peel off as we started sharing a living space and a bathroom. I loved him and it was scary, but the panic subsided and once again, it felt like we would be ok.

Then Monday came around, and Jeremy went to work. And I had NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.

I was not ready to be a mom, I knew that. So I was not ready to plan and devote my energy there.

I didn't have a job and though I applied to several places, the want-ads were pretty scarce and my qualifications were few. I had a small amount of school work left to finish my degree so I worked on that.  But what else? What should I do with the bulk of my time? What exactly does a 'homemaker' do?

Someone had given me a subscription to Martha Stewart Magazine and under the haze of inexperience, everything in it seemed beautiful and possible (of course!). So I set about doing "Good Things®," decorating the house, and nesting with the tiny amount of money we could scrape together. In our 3' by 7' kitchen, I baked casseroles for 8 and made batches of jam, still so hot that I locked myself outside the house in my underwear not just once, but several times. I even scrapbooked!

This is what nightly dinner 'should' look like, right Martha?

Looking back, I can see that I was crazy with naiveté in those days. Some of the oddness of life was necessitated (we picnicked on the floor for months before we could afford a dining room table). But beyond that, reason was not linked to ration at all. Making 50' of fresh garland that ways 200 pounds and won't even fit on our house: reasonable. Husband coming home to cold sandwiches instead of a hot cooked meal: unreasonable. Huh? My logic filter was totally off-line.

Career paths, work/life balance, household management, meal planning, vacation planning, marriage and parenting models, financial priorities - these are things your dad and I both had not thought through. It took us years of trial and error to figure out how we wanted to live and what we wanted our lives to look like. Luckily, we grew together through the process and continue to work towards the same goals and ideals. We agree: the jam was good but that garland was ridiculous.

Life has continued to evolve through our adventures, work situations, and the birth of you two. My day-to-day has changed many times and I am sure will continue to as we move along. The word 'should' has slowly been banned from my vocabulary and thinking.

Right now, strangely, I am back to spending much of my time as a 'homemaker' - baking casseroles for 8 and even scrapbooking! I may even have another 50' garland in my future. It is hard to tell.

Little did I know, 'homemaking' for me looks NOTHING like this.

But after all this time, I realize LIFE is so much different than what I pictured as a kid. Being a wife is not just dressing my baby while my husband is at work. It is years of traveling, and working, and childrearing, and talent development, and community building, and.. anything I want it to be.

"Happily Ever After" isn't so much a surface to leisurely float on, but an ocean to dive into and explore. Love, career, family - there is so much more depth to all of it than I could even imagine!

Get ready to dive in - it's awesome down here!

My blinders were on for a long time but I feel like they might be finally coming off (it's about time, right?). And after marrying your dad with my eyes clamped shut, it feels like a miracle that I still love him with my eyes this wide open. It is a miracle that he still loves me. I was not open with him about a single aspect of myself before we got married. How could I be? I did not know.

It makes me want to help you understand yourselves and life's possibilities better than I did - to see what is out there and dream big from the get-go.

But you are still so little.

In the wide, life-ocean out there, I really can't take you scuba diving yet, but we can definitely snorkel. We have started already. And as I am planning our summer, I am hoping we can take you further out to see a few more sights and try a few more things.

Please know, you are both part of my "happily ever after." And even with all the hardships - from the sleepless nights in the beginning, to the great de-worming last week, I am so grateful to have you.

I love you oh-so-very much,
Mama

Wait and see

We have hundreds of children's books in this house. Many of them, we have read hundreds of times.

Some of them I love to read, some of them I grit my teeth and just get through (Disney drivel), and a few have gotten "lost" so I don't have to read them anymore (ahem - Alice in Wonderland).

But this one in particular (a gift from my sister Millie), touches me every time. I do not think I've read it a single time without tears.

It is a simple story about a bunny who dreams to someday become one of the 5 chosen Easter bunnies.

One day a little country girl bunny with a brown skin and a little cotton-ball of a tail said, "Some day I shall grow up to be an Easter Bunny."

Then all of the big white bunnies who lived in fine houses, and the Jack Rabbits with long legs who can run so fast, laughed at the little Cottontail and told her to go back to the country and eat a carrot. But she said, "Wait and see!"

As she goes on to have 21 baby bunnies, she devotes herself to motherhood and loses her dream of becoming an Easter bunny. But when her babies grow to become little girl and boy bunnies, she IS chosen and then she proves herself the swiftest and bravest of them all.

This children's tale turns out to be a beautiful story of modern feminism and motherhood. So wonderfully sweet, and quite amazing in that it was written in 1939. It is an empowering story for all us working mamas for sure.

I hope you will remember this book; and when someone tells you that you can't achieve your dream because you are a girl, or a boy, or are too old, or too young, or have children, or don't have children, or look different than the last achiever looked, that you will believe in yourself and tell them..."Wait and see!" 

BOOM!

Once upon a time, a writer for Murphy Brown wrote a single line of dialogue that changed my life.

I can't remember it exactly. It was a come back line said to some younger, sexier women who were belittling Murphy Brown, the heroine of the show. It was something like “Yes you are beautiful and young, but you know what?” (and this is the part I really remember) "I have an orgasm every time I have sex.”

(((( BOOM! ))))

My brain kind of exploded.

I did not even know what an orgasm was at the time, but just by the way she said it and the way the other women responded, I knew the remark meant something HUGE. And not too suprisingly, that something HUGE took me a while to figure out.

There is something more valuable to a woman than beauty and youth?

Expectations of sex can move beyond being desired?

Women are just as powerful and deserving as men?

Wow.

That is a whole lot of information for one line from a random TV show.

To note: your dad remembers the line too. (((( BOOM! ))))

I’m wondering if a bit of the proof in this article means we weren't the only ones. Did that one line start something HUGE for a lot of people?

I’m sharing this here just in case it does the same for you.