First day of school

Today was trial run for preschool/daycare. Daddy stayed with you the whole time and you only went half day. Next week, the real thing begins and you will be going ALL day, two days a week.

On one hand, I'm really excited to have you start going to school. I think you are ready to be around other kids and start learning to sit in a group and take charge of your own little body. When we take you to nursery at church, you walk in and close the door on us. You've never cried except when you had to leave. We've had you on the waiting list for over nine months hoping that we could get you transitioned in before the baby came so the timing is pretty good. Your teachers all seem wonderful and there will be lots of fun things to do all day.

Here you are happy and excited with your backpack, especially after finding out it has a special pocket just for your beloved binky.

On the other hand, I am really worried that a full day of care away from home will be too much for you. Case in point - your backpack full of needed supplies is so heavy, it literally toppled you backward 2 seconds after this photo.

Is this the right thing to do for you and our family? Will you be happy at drop-off and pick-up? Will you bring home a new batch of obnoxious behaviors and communicable diseases within the week? Will I have a complete panic attack questioning the whole thing?

Hold on tight because next week, we are going to find out.

Ho ho ho!

Christmas Eve with Twink, Graeme, and Neve. Our first Christmas night and morning at home. Christmas dinner with Brent, Janis, and AJ. A visit from Will, Deb and Lizzie. Snow! Watching you hug your very first "ho" (snow) man the moment he got arms. It's been a busy and wonderful holiday!

See photos online here.

Oh and that part where I was sick and coughed so hard I peed my pants and threw up at the same time... or the part where I broke one camera, bought another and promptly lost it... well, we'll just forget those things and move on. It's easy since there's still lots of hot cocoa (your favorite!) and ponies to play with.

Family Portrait

We got the photos back from Dave's wedding. Here are a couple of favorites:

Diabetic approved "hoho heet"

Grandma Crow found out she was diabetic this year. Since then she has completely changed her diet and lost more than 50 pounds. I am incredibly impressed with her resolve to live a healthier lifestyle.

Aunt Deb found this recipe years ago and it's become a family favorite. You can make it with sugar or Splenda but the Splenda version actually bakes up better and tastes terrific. We made up a special batch just for Grandma this year.

Spiced Almonds

Whisk together: 1 lg egg white, 1 Tbsp orange juice

Then add: 2/3 C Splenda or sugar, 1 Tbsp orange zest, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp ginger, 1/2 tsp all spice

Stir until mixed then add: 3 C whole almonds

Spread on cook sheet covered with parchment paper

Bake for 50 minutes at 275 degrees

You've spent a lot of time talking about "heets" (treats) since Halloween. Some days it is almost constant. I'm trying to help you understand what "enough" is and how to savor it. We don't want to spoil you and sending you down the path to future health problems, or demonize food giving you eating issues. Luckily, you still eat a wide variety of foods and keep trying new things. You asked for broccoli the other day which made this mama very happy.

Treasure or junk - just don't ask me

One of my favorite things about the Swap Shop is that you get to pick your own treasures and they are never what I would expect. They had a brand new "Tickle Me Elmo" there today and as I have been thinking about getting you one for Christmas, I was excited to see how you'd like it. You didn't play with it for 30 seconds.

But the broken work goggles with the lenses missing? You played with them for over an hour, figured out how to get them on, and then wanted to wear them home.

It is also a treat to see some other kid playing with something you don't use anymore. Half the time we've been over there lately, someone is playing with a doll wearing one of your old dresses. It makes me smile every time.

All in a name

Well, you are a good eater. You'll eat almost anything we feed you - including the mushrooms on a vegetable pizza recently.

Unfortunately, those poison things growing on the lawn. Yup - they are also called mushrooms. I certainly didn't think about that variety when I was talking to you about the yummy vegetables you were eating. And daddy didn't think about you liking mushrooms as "food" when he showed them to you outside.

But you put it all together for yourself and decided to try a little snack while daddy had his back turned. Just how much of a snack, we'll never know, as you trampled the patch and can't really answer if or how much you ate.

Thank goodness for the Poison Control Hotline. They quickly helped us rule out any major danger and then called us back every two hours just to be sure you were ok.

I really hope we never have to call them again but what a relief to know they are there!

Cruel letdown leads to a very long morning

Lucy: "I wan Dane"

Mama: "Oh I know but Dane went bye bye. Remember?"

Lucy: "I wan Hapa"

Mama: "Papa went bye bye too."

Lucy: "I wan Dayson"

Mama: "Jayson went bye bye. Everyone had to go home."

Pause.

Repeat...and repeat...and repeat. About 700 times.

Of course, I can't really blame you. It was a blast having the family here. Here are you and Dane wearing your "ho ho ho" jammies. He can just move in any time.

Trimming the tree

We will be home for Christmas this year! This is a first for your dad and I - even though we've been married for 12 years. We are really going to miss seeing B and the rest of the family but it will be wonderful to have our own holiday. And I really won't miss the holiday rush at the airport.

For starters - we got a tree! You and Dane had a ball helping to decorate it.

And here it is finished with my festive tummy on display.

But what really marks the season is that you have gone from talking about "Boo" all the time to talking about "Ho ho ho."

So much to be thankful for

It's Thanksgiving today. Grandma and Papa Crow are here with Jamie, Jayson, and your beloved cousin Dane. Dinner is close to ready and the smell and sounds of preparation are filling the house. More friends will be arriving soon. We have a whole weekend of family fun and delicious food ahead of us.

You are having a nap and I am laying on the bed, treasuring the baby moving around inside of me. I simultaneously cannot wait to meet him and want to hold him inside me forever. My heart is overfull with gratitude for all the love filling this house, and the tiny baby filling my body.

I want to stop time and hold this moment in my heart always.

Thank you for being my daughter, Lucy. I love you and am so happy to have you in my life. Being a mom is really hard sometimes but it is also an amazing gift. Every day with you brings new challenges and treasures. Thank you for helping me learn and grow, and for all the joy you bring along the way.

With love,

Mama

Three more months

And no, that's not a small watermelon.

The beginning of a loooooong trimester

I hit my third trimester this week and have been pretty miserable ever since. It turns out my hips have separated early because of my surging hormones and they ache all of the time. Walking is difficult and sleeping sometimes impossible. A belt from the physical therapist seems to be helping somewhat but relief probably won't come until this baby is fully cooked and into the world.

On the bright side, I am happy to understand the problem. I had thought it was the baby's head causing sciatica and the yoga stretches and exercises I was doing to "remedy" the pain were actually making things worse. It is also a relief that the baby isn't causing the pain by sitting on a nerve. My superstitious side was seeing that as a really bad sign for the lifetime relationship just beginning.

But three more months. Of this, really? What sounded like nothing a week ago is now looking like an eternity.

And just to add the cherry on top, I got my first "Oooo, you must be due any day now." That phrase really should be banned from society. I'm guessing I'll be hearing it a lot from here on out. Hopefully I can keep myself from murdering anyone in response as I'd hate to miss Christmas and your high school graduation.

So - I'm sorry if I get crabby sometimes and won't carry you up the stairs anymore. I thought we could hold onto our norm for a while longer but the changes in your life are beginning and will continue,well, forever. For all of our sakes, I hope you will be just like your dad and look for the positive in whatever comes.

Love,

Your aching mama

Swine flu survivor

You've survived the dreaded bug! Nanny Jess and many other people we know have suffered miserably with it this year. Luckily, it was not too horrible for you. A few doses of tylenol and running a humidifier at night seemed to keep you comfortable enough. Mostly, we just had to keep you occupied away from crowds and wait it out.

Several days of fever and no appetite carved away a little more baby fat though. I was feeding you whatever you would eat which probably wasn't a great idea since now you think marshmallows and popsicles are perfectly cromulent breakfast foods. Whoops, I guess that makes parenting mistake #357.

We had your 18 month check up today and you have grown to 33 inches - which explains why I recently found you with matches (#358) and scissors (#359). The counters and table surfaces in the house are no longer out of your reach.

Despite the sickness and hazardous terrain, you seem to be thriving. Both eyes and all ten digits still intact! We hear new words from you every day and you are stringing them together way ahead of schedule. It is a wonderful gift to know what you are thinking about even if it turns out to be "treats" and "doggies" a lot of the time.

Love you,

Mama

Photoshoot - 6 months pregnant

We had a photoshoot at work and since I have the perfect prop (aka gigantor belly), I was conscripted for the women's health photos. This happened last time I was pregnant too.

You came by with your nanny, Jess. The photographer got just this one shot of you - and I love it. Oh my baby - you are so beautiful!

All things "Boo"

You are in love Halloween this year. You say "boo" at least 100 times a day. You want to wear your boo shirts and play with your boo pictures on the fridge. We take walks to look for "batssss" and boos all over the neighborhood. Of course when you request these walks, it sounds like "I want booze," which has turned a few heads but hey - that's just the way our family rolls.

Carving your very own "Boo" with Daddy.

Watching Charlie Brown Halloween special after asking for it 20 times. This is the only time that you are this still and quiet.

In your equestrian - Halloween finery. We picked an outfit we wanted to see you in since next year you could very well request "princess, kitty bride."

Lucy strikes a pose - Ralph Lauren, eat your heart out.

The candy in your "boo" was an unexpected bonus. You quickly picked up on the word treat.

Uncle Dave is married

We spent the last few days in Utah Celebrating Dave and Bobbie. Sadly, we forgot the camera and didn't catch you in your wedding finery and cousin fun. Even worse, you seemed to grow stoic every time the pros got out their lenses and I'm afraid we'll see your "Geronimo" pose in all the family shots. Alas, you'll have to trust us and believe you had a great time.

Geronimo - famous Apache Warrior

One of your many "Geronimo" photos

Congratulations to Uncle Dave and new Aunt Bobbie. We wish you every happiness!

It's a boy!

Today was our 19-week ultrasound. You're going to have a little brother!

This pregnancy has been very different than the first so I was thinking it could be a boy for a while now. I've craved some different foods (baked potatoes and lemonade being at the top of the list - with you it was corndogs and cake). I have been less emotional and somehow, even more tired (I would not have guessed it possible). I've gained around the same amount of weight but my body is so different that some of my favorite maternity tops from the last go-round leave my belly hanging out the bottom or don't even fit on. Meanwhile, my pants fall down constantly and I am dead-gone sick of pulling them up OVER and OVER. By late afternoon, I'm just ready to let them fall to the floor and give up, in the grocery store or not.

I've started the process of cleaning out all of your tiny little things I was saving for a little sister. Oh boy, tears and more tears. It is so hard to let some of them go. I put aside a box of specials to save Forever but even the stained t-shirt and lone striped sock pull at my heart strings. Could you just slow down and stop growing out your clothes? Well, a mama can dream.

Here's a current favorite of yours and mine. It was made by a friend out of old costumes from Burning Man. If it could talk, I bet this fabric could tell some really interesting stories. Of course, it will be about 18 more years until you are old enough to hear them.

In the process, I have been remembering all of your tiniest days and I'm starting to crave having that little warm body all over again. In just 21 more weeks, I'll be looking down at this view again and listening to those little gurgles and squeaks.

Two kids under two and in diapers! A beautiful daughter and now a son. I'm scared to death of how I'm going to manage it all, but I also couldn't feel luckier.

Love,

Mama

¡Viva Mexico!

We had another fantastic trip to the Mayan Palace - this time with you outside my tummy.

Happy and brown! You would hardly know we were Oregonians.

Will, Deb and Lizzie met us there and were our adventure companions for the trip. You loved spending time with Lizzie. Your constant following drove her a little crazy (understandably, you were right on her heals the whole time) but you seemed to grow on her over the week. Hooray for cousins!

Swimming in the colossal, bath-warm pool. This is the life!

It was not nearly as relaxing for the adults as our previous trip since we spent most of the time chasing you around the pool and beach. You are fearless when it comes to the water which is exciting but also terrifying. Luckily, we managed to avoid CPR, Mexican emergency rooms, baby sunburn, and the dreaded swine flu. !Fantastico!

Sandy baby!

Also with us was our new baby. You didn't notice him/her much but believe me, I did. One of these days I need to go to Mexico NOT pregnant. Qué sera.

Belly shot - 4 months pregnant.

Scaling new heights

The summer has flown by and I'm amazed that you turn 16-months-old today!

Every day, you continue to do and say new things and now, more than ever, you are testing the limits of your body and pushing to find out just how far (and high) it can take you. NO FEAR seems to be your philosophy and you don't think twice about scaling anything in your path. You've had my heart racing a few times as you've cruised straight up play structures I naively thought were too difficult. I'm partly surprised you haven't had any major falls as it isn't always easy to stay a step ahead of you. Heaven help me when I've gained more inches around my belly. Your speeding up and I'm afraid I'll be slowing w-a-y down. I've always thought those little kiddie leashes were silly but I'm totally going to have to get one or lose you into the street or up a tree!

You have a limited vocabulary so it is very exciting when you can name something you see. You shout out things like BUBBLES! MOON! BUH BUH! (for bus) or (our favorite) WAHWEE! (for water) as loud as your little body can when you've got them in your sights. Sometimes it takes us a few days to figure out just what a new word means like the "up-a-high" for star which I'm assuming you derived from Twinkle Twinkle. But there was no question what you meant when you came home today after a park activity saying "mine" while pointing at everything in your high chair.

Toys are becoming more interesting as you find that you can manipulate them and do more than shake and bang them. Putting things in and taking things out are major activities. Purses are still highly popular and you love to don one and carry it around the house or yard. You'll pretend a lot of things are a phone and put them to your ear and converse with imaginary friends. Boy, do I wish I knew what you were babbling about. Tonight at Ber's, you found a little doll in a stroller and wanted to "walk a baby." It is so fun to watch you play and learn.

You love to play hide and seek. When you want to play, you cover your eyes like you are counting and grunt until I figure it out. You laugh when I find you and want to play again and again.

Books continue to be a favorite and often you bring one over and plop into my lap, waiting for me to read it to you. Some days we go through every book in your room, other days you ask me to read the same book over and over. Cuddling with you makes the thirteenth time totally worth it.

Love you,

Mama

Stomach bug

A couple of years ago, we caught a bad stomach bug on the way down to Mexico. We spent the first couple of days in our hotel room drinking Pedialyte.

This year, we're getting our sickness over with the week before our trip. The good news: we will be well in time to enjoy every moment of sunshine. The bad news: having to take care of a kid when you are sick makes things about ten times worse. Also being pregnant means we are in a seriously bad situation. I'm beyond tired, I'm nauseous, I have to go to the bathroom for the 15th time this hour. My body hurts all over and my head is throbbing. On top of it all, I'm really bummed because your dad and I had a sitter arranged so we could have a date tonight.

And you? Well after just yesterday vomiting and pooping through a giant batch of laundry (which I have yet to do), and keeping us up half the night with a sore tummy, you seem to be feeling much better. Your whining about being kept in the house and don't understand why I won't just get up and take you on a walk already (!).

Lucy B, it stinks to be us today. But Mexico is going to be awesome.

Building stuff - all by yourself!

Happy anniversary

Your dad and I were married twelve years ago today. It was an amazing and magical day. It all felt like a miracle and it really was. We were on top of the world and happy to be starting a new life together.

This may be my favorite wedding photo. It was taken by a friend waiting for us to come out of the temple (thanks Barbara!). You can see that there was absolutely no worry, no stress, and no second thoughts about what we were doing. I was confident we were doing the right thing and I still don't question that we were. He is the very best man in the world. THE VERY BEST ONE. Marrying him was like winning the lottery and a getting a lifetime of Christmases all in one.

Someday, a very long time from now, I dearly hope you have a wedding day and a life companion as wonderful as mine.

Happy anniversary Jer. I still love you with all my heart.

Still hanging in there

You just never can tell what life is going to bring you from one minute to the next. We've been on a roller coaster for the last few months and we just have to trust that it is going to end in the right place. Some days, I am calm and ok with the ride. Other days - well, let's just say - are not as pretty.

What the heck am I talking about?

Well. I'm still pregnant and it looks like a little baby is hanging in there.

What the what?

Well. Here is the next part of the story...

After going through all the sypmtoms of a miscarraige (and I will spare you the details as this is afterall, the Internet) my doctor asked me to come in for an ultrasound to check for an ectopic pregnancy and to make sure all of the pieces from the failed pregnancy had left my body properly. We were calm and accepting of what had happened. I trusted my body was doing the right thing and expected a clean bill of health. The ultrasound technician did a thorough job and checked over all of my various parts carefully. After about 20 minutes, she moved the ultrasound into my uterus and low and behold - she pointed to a little heartbeat and a little body in there.

The world stopped and I heard Jeremy's heart start beating out of his chest. A moment later (or 5 minutes later, I'll never know), the waterworks started pouring down my face and I had to ask her to repeat that please and could you tell me just what is going on here?

We're not sure what happened exactly. It may have been a twin that didn't make it. It may have been some abnormal tissue in my body. My doctor simultaneously reassures and exasperates me almost every visit when she tells me that "oh, that can be totally normal." It's her answer for a little pain here, a skin change there, and apparently half losing your pregnancy and your mind. "Oh, that can be totally normal" - which is only saying that in pregnancy (as in life) almost everything and nothing can be normal. She did say this was rare and they would be watching carefully so we've been doing just that.

This was almost a month ago and we've been on pins and needles for much of the time in between. At 11 weeks, we are starting to feel like all will be well but we are perfectly aware that it isn't in our hands and never has been.

Life will take us where it takes us. The roller coaster continues and whether you choose it or not, you are along for the ride. So keep your seatbelt fastened, arms and legs inside the ride at all times, and - Here We Go!

Here's our first peak at Adventure Baby: 7-week ultrasound

Week of fun with Grandma

You and I are in Utah for the week. Jeremy will be joining us on Thursday and then we'll be leaving you overnight with grandma so we can have a romantic anniversary getaway at Snowbird resort.

It's go-go-go with lots to see and do: zoo, children's museum, aquarium, library, long walks, swimming, and of course - cousins!

At Red Butte Gardens in Utah

Leaps and bounds

You are changing so much every day right now it is hard to keep up. I want to follow you around with a video camera and catch all the cute little things you are doing and saying. You are becoming a little person and it is amazing!

Physically

You are toddling more securely every day. Your penguin-like stance with stiff arms and quick moving legs is slightly precarious and absolutely adorable to watch. You are learning to handle inclines and changes of surface with less falling and even when you lose balance, you often catch yourself in a stiff sway. Every day brings a few head bonks and a couple of face plants though. I think we'll be keeping you off of hard surfaces for a while yet.

Your body is changing shape with all of the baby olympics. You do hundreds of squats every day and can hold yourself in a low position for a surprising amount of time. You can climb up and down stairs and on and off of low furniture. Your world is an obstacle course and, my oh my, you are getting a workout.

Opting for bigger movements and lots of roving, you aren't spending much time on fine motor skills. You are interested in opening and closing containers though and I have to keep the "child-proof" bottles out of your way because they are not Lucy proof.

Language

You spent about a month saying only "whatissszat" but now you are sprinkling back in words we've heard you use before and a new one almost every day. You say "mama" and "dada" all the time. You point out any elephant, butterfly or dog you see. You also greet dogs with a "wov wov wov" barking noise that is oddly heart-melting for me. If you hear an airplane in the sky, you are quick to shout out "aero" and point to the sky.

Some words seem to come from nowhere. Today, you saw a toy character and said "Elmo" clear as day. How did that marketing juggernaut reach you already? And yesterday, I said lizard and you pointed to a picture of one. Have we shown you lizards before?

You use sign language for "more" and "all done" and sometimes "drink." Instead of the food sign, you just say mmMMmm if you are hungry.

My favorite lately is your singing. You like to sing the first line of Hot Cross Buns sounding something like "ha ca bah." You also like the "Up above the world so high" line from Twinkle Twinkle and you sing that "up a buh buh buh buh buh ... hi." You love it when we sing to you and almost always offer a little applause and sign for more. Some favorite songs we sing a lot: If You're Happy and You Know it, Bats Are Sleeping, Wheels on the Bus, Old McDonald, Bingo, Three Blind Mice, and just about anything I can think of when I get sick of those by 9 a.m.

Play

Jamie brought you a sit-on rocket that was Dane's to play with and you love climbing on and off it. You also love carrying a purse on your shoulder, taking it on and off, and putting various things in and out of it. You carry around a doll or stuffed animal a lot of the time too. You give them hugs and kisses and take them for rides in your cart. Of course, you also throw them down stairs and run over them with your rocket.

Any play with water keeps you occupied and happy. We've been exploring park fountains and wading pools all over town. They are usually packed with kids and decked out with waterfalls or sprinklers or some other fun feature. You also love to swim in a plastic pool in the backyard. You don't always enjoy your bath however, as we make you sit down and that is apparently unacceptable.

You still love books and will sit and read and sing with us several times a day. Your attention span seems shorter than it seemed to be at 12 months though. The urge to move has taken over and you need to wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.

Socially

You seem to understand that you are your own person. You will point to yourself when we ask "where's Lucy?" Sometimes, I can see that you are feeling something that I am not getting and this can be frustrating for both of us. Luckily, it doesn't last long and we aren't into any major fussings or tantrums...yet.

You laugh a lot and like to show us your toys and point out things you are looking at. You love to be chased and peek-a-boo is still a favorite. If I catch you in the right mood, I get lots of slobbery kisses and hugs complete with pats on the back.

You have stayed open and friendly to the world and most strangers which I am sooooo happy about. Yesterday, we had a new sitter here and I was really afraid you'd start crying when we left but you were fine and settled right in with her. I however, proceeded to have a small panic attack at leaving you with a near-stranger. Daddy's reassurances that she "probably hardly ever does meth" were only moderately helpful.

We love you baby,

Mama

Thank you for reminding me

I'd almost forgotten how magical summer can be. The fountains are all running with water. Delicious blueberries and raspberries are just waiting to be picked. The parks are full of laughter and chances for adventure. You are toddling after it all and I am having fun trying to keep up.

Taste of summer

We have made two trips to the coast this month and both times your dad made this recipe. It's delicious and easy. I would never have guessed a recipe with clams would become a favorite but this one makes the cut!

Spaghetti With Clams

Ingredients:
1 pound spaghetti
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/4 cup thinly sliced garlic
1 1/4 teaspoons crushed red pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup dry white wine
2 pounds small clams, such as Littlenecks, or cockles, scrubbed and purged in salted water, any open or broken clams discarded
1/2 cup chopped fresh parsley leaves
Lemon wedges, accompaniment

Directions:
In a large pot of salted water, cook the spaghetti until al dente. Drain and return to the pot, and cover to keep warm.

In a large saute pan or pot, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the garlic, red pepper, and salt and cook, stirring, until fragrant and golden, 3 to 4 minutes, being careful not to let the garlic burn. Add the wine and clams, cover, and cook, shaking occasionally, until the clams open, about 4 minutes. Remove from the heat and discard any clams that do not open.

Add the cooked pasta and parsley and toss well to combine and warm the pasta. Divide among 4 or 6 pasta bowls or large plates. Garnish with lemon wedges and serve.

Maybe no baby

Today is a difficult day. We've lost the sweet baby I've been telling you about, a baby brother or sister that was to be born the beginning of next year to complete our family. You don't understand what I've been telling you which has made you the perfect confidant as I've needed a listening ear while I have gotten used to and then progressively excited about the idea.

But alas, the fault of no one, this baby wasn't meant to be.

I am actually ok at the moment and quite rational today. I can't promise as much for the coming weeks. As the loss hits me and my hormones crash into oblivion, I will probably be crying over every diaper ad I see, not to mention spilled milk, baby animals, broken toys, dryer lint, and well, you get the picture. It may not be pretty but I promise – I will be ok and eventually back to normal and still loving you every minute. Your hugs are my very favorite medicine.

This isn't the first time I've lost a pregnancy. The first was before you were born and the pain of that experience was so acute and intense, it is difficult to put into words. It was a loss compounded by months and months of fertility stress that had left us wondering if we were ever going to have a baby. Finally being pregnant was the biggest relief I have ever felt in my life. Losing that baby at just 7 weeks was absolutely devastating, and made even worse by days of not knowing what was really going on. The whole experience left a dull ache in my heart that really only got better after seeing your face for the first time and finally believing that you were mine.

This time is different in so many ways.

Most importantly, we have you and you are more than I once dared hope for. If we never have another child, I will still feel beyond blessed.

Plus, during your pregnancy and birth, I developed a new and incredible respect for my body. I absolutely trust that it knows what is doing and I know it wouldn't be letting this pregnancy go unless it was supposed to.

Also, I must admit, my desire for another child and confidence that I can handle a larger family is not entirely black and white. For the last few months I have been mulling over many questions and I still don't have the answers...

Is it better for you to have a sibling or to have our undivided attention?
Can I handle being pregnant while chasing down a 2-year-old?
Can we really let you grow up “alone?”
Will you have the loving relationship with a sibling that I hope for or you will you just fight all the time anyway?
Will another child put too much pressure on our marriage?
Does the well that holds my mental health, energy and abilities go deep enough for me to manage two?
Even if I am afraid, can my heart let go of the feelings I have for another child?

All this isn't to say that we didn't want this baby and that part of me isn't heartbroken. No, we have been overjoyed at such an impending gift. We’ve been talking nurseries and names, imagining a whole new life and a backseat with two (!) carseats. I've been dreaming of a new little face and lots of laughter between you (along with the inevitable "she's touching me" and "I'm telling" refrains).

And despite the incredible difficulties, I can hardly say how much I have treasured the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, and carrying for a newborn. It has been so amazing and I have felt so alive and purposeful. There have been many days when I feel it going by all too fast and I really do rely on the comfort that I might get to do this again.

Although during a few days here and there, I must admit, I’ve considered putting you at the curb and gotten by only by counting the minutes until your dad got home so I could run off and try to reclaim a trifle of sanity.

And now?

Well, I really don't know what happens next. Can your dad and I face starting over again? What is the best thing for our family?

I hope you will be patient with me over the next weeks as my body and spirit heal. I hope you will forgive us for denying or giving you a sibling when we decide what we think is best. Please know that no matter what happens next, I love you and nothing will ever change that.

Yours always,
Mama

July 4th in Manzanita

We went to the hometown parade in Manzanita, Oregon. You waved your flag and clapped for all the dogs in the parade.

You wore a darling dress from cousin Athena and some knee-protecting pants I made to match. The cuff was supposed to be a simple ruffle but I messed it up so bad, I had to add lots of ribbon to cover it up. Oh well - turned out cute.

Grandma time

We just finished several days in Utah with my mom. You ate chocolate ice cream for dinner and played dolls and made yourself at home, crawling about the place and getting into every nook and corner as best you could. You had a great time and so did I. In fact, I'm not sure of all the reasons why but seeing you two together gives me more peace than anything else in the world.

Over the years, I've watched my mom spend time with and dote over her other grandchildren and it has always amazed me just how much she adores each one. She sees things in them that even their parents can't appreciate and offers a really gentle openness that let's them relax and be who they are.

And with you it is no different. If you are wondering who thinks you are the sweetest, smartest, most adorable girl in the world - it is probably your grandma.

And you know what? She might just be right.

Should I take it personally?

You're becoming a little talker. Some of your words:

Hi
Cat
Dog
Daddy
Ephan (elephant)

Dubin (dustbin)

Barrm (bathroom)

Rink (drink)

Buffly (butterfly)

Ball

Eye

Wow

Hat

Bug
Whatisszat
Wook (look)

Quack

Car

Up

You are generally working on a couple different words at a time and saying them almost over and over. My favorite was the few days you just said "wow" almost nonstop.

Sometimes a word goes to the back of the queue and we don't hear it for a while. Like, right now, you aren't saying daddy often, but if we say the word, you look right at him and maybe wave.

There are other words you don't say but obviously recognize and understand, such as fish, ladybug, octopus, banana, bubbles, bath, teeth, book, raisin - actually, there are a lot of these and you clearly understand a lot more than you say. You will point out these items if we ask you to and look around for them if we mention something you are interested in (aka strawberries).

You are also following simple commands such as "say hi," "wave bye bye," "give me a kiss," "find the ball," etc. It is truly amazing to see the gears turning and realize that you have beensoaking up a lot of what we have been saying this whole time.

But notice anything missing?
That's right. Absolutely no mama. You don't even point to me when we say it.

That is up until yesterday when you started saying it (and here's the clincher) every time you see a ... button or snap. What?

I guess it's because I've been saying it and pointing to my shirt.

On one hand, it's great to finally hear you say it and it sounds so sweet (*melt*). On the oher hand, I'm a little insulted that you've figured out the concept of a bathroom but can't verbalize the person who GAVE YOU LIFE.

Oh well. Those chubby cheeks are impossible to be mad at. It really is a good thing that you are adorable.

Love,

"mama"

The Joy Adventure Club: Hula for Moola

One in six families in Oregon is on food stamps and the food banks are almost maxed out. I and some friends are doing a little fundraising to help out.

Our newly founded Joy Adventure Club is hosting a fundraising event called Hula for Moola on June 27. If all goes as planned, 100 women will come together to let loose, have fun and support the Oregon Food Bank.

More at http://www.joyadventureclub.org/

The mile-high nap club

On the plane heading to Utah for family fun

The unexpected gift of memory and smell

When you were a tiny baby, your dad brought home a package of Mrs. Meyer's rhubarb scented cleaners for mother's day. This was not exactly my idea of a romantic gift but I was soon won over by the amazing smell - and by the fact that he was was excited to use them to clean the whole house.

I thought they were long gone but one of the bottles must have been lost in the back of the cupboard until yesterday, when someone pulled it out and cleaned the countertops with it.

Today, every time I walk through the kitchen and that smell hits me, I am blown away by brilliantly-clear memories of your first months home. Taking you for a walk with my mom. Changing your clothes. Helping your dad bathe you in the kitchen sink. Hovering over you, watching you sleep.

It literally feels like I've stepped back in time and it's just happened moments ago.

Brain chemistry is an amazing thing. This is an extremely fortuitous example of the physiological/psychological phenomenon that ties vivid memories to a specific odor.

So, it turns out that a box of cleaners is one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received. They don't carry it in the stores this year though so I'll be on the lookout for another source of rhubarb smell and possibly hoarding the last little bit in the bottle we have left.

The polar opposite of lethargy

You broke your first fever yesterday and were up pretty much ALL. Night. Long.

You fell asleep around 5:30 a.m. and AND THEN you preceded to arise all bushy tailed and bright eyed this morning at 8 like nothing happened.

You are looking at me like:
"Who is that grayish crumpled creature walking around in mama's clothes."

And I'm all:
"That's my old friend CRAZY FROM LACK OF SLEEP. Watch out because her driving is horrible and she bites."

And the pacifier/thermometer proved utterly useless (just like half of the baby crap I've bought) as you wouldn't keep it in your mouth.

Ugh.

Birthday party

Our wonderful family in Idaho gave you the most wonderful first birthday party. The food, cakes, balloons, games and everything had been arranged for our visit. And I'll tell you what, a mama just doesn't get any luckier than that!

Photos online at: http://gallery.me.com/mfivecrows#100238

Celebrating one year of YOU

More photos online at: http://gallery.me.com/mfivecrows#100230

One year ago today: labor

It is so hard to believe that a whole year has past since your birth!

Jeremy's twitter feed from those two long days...

Something is happening. We'll know more at noon... stay tuned. And in the meantime send slippery thoughts.

8:15 AM May 6th, 2008

Things you don't see women in labor do in the movies: walk to FRED MEYER!!! Margaret's got it goin' ON!

10:47 AM May 6th, 2008

Headed to the hospital... but dropping off 27 Dresses that Margaret forgot she'd rented while I was out of town first.

12:06 PM May 6th, 2008

This birthing suite is THE BOMB! Margaret just ordered the mani/pedi and I'm waiting for my Southwest fajitas.

2:20 PM May 6th, 2008

They just sent us on another power walk. Margaret's channeling her pioneer ancestors' birth experiences.

4:20 PM May 6th, 2008

They just brought Margaret a giant dinner so I think we're here for a while.

6:31 PM May 6th, 2008

Yep, we're in it for the night. I can't believe we've been here all day! Margaret's only to a 2 on the pain scale, though.

8:37 PM May 6th, 2008

Labor going v...e...r...y slowly. Epidural went in at 6am and we're still classified as early labor.

8:38 AM May 7th, 2008

On the bright side, Margaret has been sleeping soundly since 6. As have I--that epidural has a broad range!

8:39 AM May 7th, 2008

We're stuck here watching the contraction monitor... ugh, can we change the channel?

10:01 AM May 7th, 2008

Baby's horoscope: You can break through an impasse with the help of a trusted partner and let the pieces fall where they may. Margaret thought that didn't sound too promising for her body!

10:41 AM May 7th, 2008

We just hit 6 cm and they're prepping the tools!!!

11:18 AM May 7th, 2008

7 cm and +1 position. If you don't know what that means, it means that that baby is going to the light.

1:15 PM May 7th, 2008 from

Whew! We have a beautiful little girl our hands. 7 lbs. 13.5 oz. and 21-1/4" long.

5:24 PM May 7th, 2008