In search of safe harbor

Today is my dad's 79th birthday. Here he is when he was close to my age. I wish I could talk with him as a contemporary.

He was a complicated dad and we had a complicated relationship. But my love for him is simple and real.

Since his death in February, I have been stumbling through memories, trying to remember the great times with him in detail, commanding my brain to dump the rest.

I grieve for his thick, rough hands and his laugh. The sound of him working on drawings - paper flipping up and down and the click of his slide rule.

We write our numbers the same. I do not have his machine-shop smell. We both mix up words and names when angry ("Millie, Ginny, Angela, Margie!"). I don't fall asleep easily like he always did.

One snippet that has been consistently fresh in my mind is the sound and feel of his voice as I rested somewhere against his side. Me, small. Him, the biggest man I can imagine, a safe harbor when we were out adventuring.

It would be awkward if an adult shuttled over, squeezed their body into someone else's chair, chewed on their own fingers for a while, and then just spaced off and hung out.

But that was pretty much life as a kid at family get togethers or church functions or what not. When I was tired, or waiting to leave, or hoping for candy, or whatever; I could find someone to waller against for a while and then just Be. And I loved it.

I remember one time very clearly, resting with him on a bench at Lagoon. I had been on so many rides that it felt like I was still moving. It was after dark, I was exhausted and hungry, but also sick to my stomach. So I left the commotion to sit still, leaning on him while we waited for the other kids to finish. Later, he bought me a piece of pepperoni pizza that might still be the best thing I have ever tasted.

Your other grandfather is one our minds today too.

Your dad just phone conferenced with the probate lawyers finally working through papa's estate. Papa started, but didn't officially finish his will. Unfortunately, an unfinished will was not admissible and federal probate on tribal lands on trust takes a looooooong time. So grandma and the family have had to wait to take care of several things. There will be more waiting before it is through.

Theeeeeeeen...

The kids toured their new school and met their teachers.

And the school dog. And the chickens.

Theeeeeeeen...

We packed up, heading to the high dessert for a CRITFC meeting at Kah-nee-ta resort. Plus lots of playing at pools, starting with a family totem pole...

Adventure. Love and loss. Change and hope. So many highs and lows packed into one day. And my emotions are a breath from exploding. My throat and chest have that pressured feeling and it would be so easy to lay down and cry.

I feel so fortunate for what's here. So utterly hollow to recognize what is not. So lost in memories that touch on just about every feeling along the spectrum. So much to process.

I could really use a safe harbor to lean against while I catch up. And just Be.