Happy Spring!

Like thread through a needle

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

~ W. S. Merwin, “Separation” from The Second Four Books of Poems

Dear Papa,

I'm missing you so much today. Once again, crying so hard that it's hard to breathe.

Planning for the summer is a reminder of all we had talked about. When you asked me what I wanted to inherit, I said I just wanted more time with you. I wanted to be part of your work and to help you. I wanted you to be with the kids and take Henry camping as he had been asking and asking.

And you were thrilled. You hoped to have lots of free time this summer to do all of those things. You sounded so vibrant and happy when you were talking about it. One of the most peaceful, meaningful moments of my life was hearing you say you were excited to have my help.

And now, I'm looking at summer programs and camps for the kids – and just finding it all so depressing.

I am questioning how to move through this grief and still accomplish things you would be proud of. How to contribute to your work with the lamprey. How to be true to the way I feel.

And I just miss you.

Hearing your voice is a painful comfort.


The Lost Fish Trailer from Freshwaters Illustrated on Vimeo.

From the back seat

"Hey mom, I spy something curious."

Me too buddy, me too.

Your own personal crêperie

We ate "flat pancakes" a lot growing up at my house. You sound much more high brow, calling them French crêpes. Oddly, the recipe that always we use is Norwegian; it came from Jeremy's mission cookbook.

Whatever they are called, they have become your absolute, must-have-at-least-4-times-a-week, favorite.

Pannekaker

• 3 cups flower (375 grams)
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• 3 eggs (extra egg optional)
• 3 cups milk (almond milk works fine)
• 4 drops vanilla extract
• 3 tablespoons melted butter
• Holiday-appropriate food coloring, as desired

Mix the dry ingredients together; add milk, eggs, and vanilla; beat batter well. Stir in melted butter (or just dump everything into the vitamix and go with it).

Fry in a medium hot greased frying pan. Serve with lemon juice and sprinkled sugar (your favorite). Or peant buter (my favorite). Or Nutella. Or berries and whip cream. Or cinnamon sugar. Or whatever else strikes your fancy.

Toilet tricks

"This is how daddy taught me at Ikea."

Hm. I'm not sure about the taking off the pants first part.

"That sound good."

I LOVE your dad. He is amazing and wonderful in a million ways. Funny, lighthearted, hard working, great shoulders... (ick factor, I'll stop right there).

But I will tell you something. A meal planner, he aint. If I ever ask him what he wants to eat this week, his eyes kind of gloss over and I can see that train of thought going off into the distance like "food, eating, Red Robin, work, swimming, college, Legos, the Parthenon - wait, what was the question?"

So the MO has been, I think of some options to ask him about and he responds "that sounds good" and shows up to eat whatever I make without complaint.

The problem is: meal and grocery planning are not exactly my core strengths either. It is ok and I have learned to do it but it becomes tedious every single week.

A friend of me gave me a subscription menu service and that has worked OK, but we don't always love the food and it's either vegetarian or LOTS of meat and I'm kind of a "meat as flavoring" kind of person.

So, I'm trying to come up with 3 or 4 week-long menus that I can fall back on when I'm tired of thinking about it. They need to be kid-approved, simple, and health recipes. I'm thinking maybe going with Mexican week, Italian week, etc just so it's easier to use veggies and other groceries across several recipes. Especially since we don't have a pantry.

Our pantry looks nothing like this. Mostly, because WE DON'T HAVE a pantry.

With me so far?

Wait, I lost you a while ago? And you are just going to whine anyway?

Sigh. Now, I'm seeing why a solution for my problem is not easy to find across the vast internets.

Let's just go get some pizza.

Rainbows on... dump trucks?

Henry, 

You love when I make up songs for you. Your favorite is when I sing the "Raindrops on Roses" song from Sound of Music - but with lyrics about your favorite things. Such as:

Riding the 4-wheeler, jumping in the river
Making new roads on the beach with Michael
Jumping in puddles and hugs from Jayson
Riding your bike and reading on the lawn.

Watching a movie with popcorn and daddy
Binnoculars and snowballs and marbles and ants
Finding a spider and holding mom's hand
Visiting cousins and the ikea fan.

Rocking with daddy, some pats in your sky bed
Making a new track and racing your trains
Reading about pipes and Thomas and buildings
Hotwheels and picnics and tree climbing.

And the chorus:

When you have to put your cream on
When it's time to go to bed
When you're feeling sad
Henry can think of his favorite things
and then he won't feel so bad.

It is fun to see your face light up as you remember so many wonderful things in your life. And it all works out as seeing you happy is one of my favorite things.

xo,
Mama

Possibly my new most favorite thing ever.

Superheroes to the rescue

We finally found a show you will watch together. Predictably. Glued to the screen. Peacefully on the couch. Start-to-finish watch together.

This gives your dad and I exactly 22 minutes to... um, clean the kitchen.

Thank you superheroes. I heart Justice League

Henry's Drive-in Party

We did it! I'm not natural at this whole kid-birthday thing, so I'm feeling really happy that all turned out well.

One pretty funny moment - passing out bottled water after realizing the movie you were watching from your "cars" was about the how awful it is for the environment to bottle water.

Made in Norway, it was oh so very scandinavian indeed. But you all liked it so we will count it as a win as well!

Love you,
Mama