Like thread through a needle

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

~ W. S. Merwin, “Separation” from The Second Four Books of Poems

Dear Papa,

I'm missing you so much today. Once again, crying so hard that it's hard to breathe.

Planning for the summer is a reminder of all we had talked about. When you asked me what I wanted to inherit, I said I just wanted more time with you. I wanted to be part of your work and to help you. I wanted you to be with the kids and take Henry camping as he had been asking and asking.

And you were thrilled. You hoped to have lots of free time this summer to do all of those things. You sounded so vibrant and happy when you were talking about it. One of the most peaceful, meaningful moments of my life was hearing you say you were excited to have my help.

And now, I'm looking at summer programs and camps for the kids – and just finding it all so depressing.

I am questioning how to move through this grief and still accomplish things you would be proud of. How to contribute to your work with the lamprey. How to be true to the way I feel.

And I just miss you.

Hearing your voice is a painful comfort.


The Lost Fish Trailer from Freshwaters Illustrated on Vimeo.