I want my mom

Grandma has been here for 10 days helping me get back to work and adapting Henry to bottle feedings and care provided by someone other than yours truly.

She left today and I have been feeling like a lost puppy ever since. I am a grown up right? At least most of the time. How can I possibly need my mom this much? But I really really REALLY do.

Normally when I'm homesick, I get busy to distract myself. Well, I'm busy all right but distraction is impossible. Everywhere I look, there are reminders of mom. Fresh piles of folded laundry about, special treats in the kitchen (Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch for Jeremy, fruit snacks for you, just about everything I like for me), yogurt she made in the fridge, little notes about Henry's feeding schedule still on the counter... It all seems endless. It has been nonstop spoiling for 10 days and the evidence is everywhere.

And Lucy, you are not helping one bit. All afternoon it has been nonstop questions. "Where is Grandma?" "But where did she go?" "Can we take a bus to go find her?" "Can we go see her in Utah?" Just when I stop crying and thinking about something else, you start up again and hooo boy - here come the waterworks.

Alas, I just can't help myself. There is just no one – No One – in the world like my mom.

I'll have what she's having

Lucy and her "iPhone" doing a happy dance.

Pay dirt

Daddy's first Father's Day gift from Lucy.

Wonder

It is a Biological Wonder that I have two such sweet and beautiful children. How did our combined genetics come together so magnificently? How did you grow from a single cell into an entire person in my body? How did sex get us these? And how were you ever small enough to pop out of my nether regions?

OK - too much information - you probably can't imagine. But honestly, I can't either. The whole deal is fantastic and utterly amazing.

Happy 4 months Henry!

You celebrated by rolling over for the first time. Woohoo!!

The family celebrated by attending the Scandinavian Festival in Portland. Hooray for yummy meatballs and dancing around the May pole!

Daily inspiration: forgiveness

Forgiveness liberates the soul.

~ Nelson Mandela

(heard in a movie)

After serving 27 years in prison for his resistance to the apartheid - the man surely knew what he was talking about.

Blows. Me. Away. Especially the part where I know so little about someone who has completely changed the world during my life time. Think I can find time to read his biography anytime soon?

Henry plays, drools, and sings

Henry, you are getting so big! I made your 4 month check-up appointment yesterday and I can't believe that is just around the corner. In some ways it seems like you got her yesterday. In other ways it feels like you have been here forever. In every way, it feels like you are just the perfect addition to our family and we couldn't have been complete without you.

Lots of changes are happening. You are loving standing activities - on our laps and in play things.

You are beginning to explore with your hands and your mouth. And the drooling has begun!

You and Lucy are getting on better every month. You smile and tense up when she is around - you know exciting things will happen - some of them more painful than others. She is getting better at controlling herself with you and does pretty well unless she is tired or frustrated. I've left you alone in a room together for 30 seconds or so without incident. Yes - this feels like a big deal!

You croon all the time and I love your baby songs. Here's a clip of my singing little man.

The great stink

I bought a giant shampoo container at Costco years ago. It's still around because I can't stand the perfume-y smell in my hair and told Jeremy he couldn't sleep in our bed if he used it in his. Thus, it has sat in the other bathroom mostly unused. That is, until Lucy found it and decided to make a Wizard of Oz out of it. Huh? I guess squirting it all over your body, hands and the bathroom somehow makes a Wizard of Oz. It also makes a wizard of a stink!

Days later, we are still smelling this shenanigan.

Henry's first moccasins

Oh - how we love your tootsies in these. Thank you Grandma and Papa Crow!

Dressing in layers

Lucy, you are currently into the layered look. This shirt, then that shirt, and always the favorite princess night gown on the very top. Confession - I tell you it's in the laundry when it really isn't - a lot. Even then you are still wearing it 3 days a week.

It reminds me of when my brother Will would dress several outfits deep all the time. Church clothes, then play clothes, then swimsuit - just in case! Either he took the boy scout motto of being prepared to heart or he was deeply inspired by Superman. Maybe both.

There could have been anything under this turtleneck.

Now in stereo

I took this video just in case:

a) I feel the urge to have a third child

or

b) I have the crazy idea good idea to travel somewhere like Mexico without a pocket full of Xanex

B in hospice

We have been in Utah for the past 10 days, visiting family. We had a great time but it was also a difficult trip.

B is staying with Uncle Tom and Aunt Galen right now. She is receiving hospice care and adjusting to life after a recent and serious fall just after Easter. She can no longer get around at all by herself and her eyes bother her so much that she can't read (!). She has come back from the lowest point when they thought she was going to die within weeks. But the losses in her health have left her in a bad state and it doesn't seem like she has either adjusted to a new life or like she is trying to get back to her old one. The whole family is working hard to help her and while they are thrilled she is still here, it has been difficult to add her care to already full lives. Luckily, they can get more help and things are still improving.

We left with hope that we would see B again. I had to cry half the way back to Salt Lake because it's very possible that we won't.

In fact, I was overwhelmed by emotion a lot of the time we were there. I do love our life in Portland but living so far from family is really hard to accept sometimes. I want to be there to help. I want to spend more time with B before we lose her. I want you both to have grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles surrounding and guiding you while you grow up.

We are also going home to a new schedule. Lucy will be going to half-day school every day and we will have a new nanny here 3 days/week later this summer. Part of me is excited to have my work life back. The predictability and productivity do a lot for my sanity. But it is difficult to lose sight of you for so many hours. You are both so tiny and precious right now. I don't want to miss the magic moments happening every day.

Henry, you are not making things easier on my by being the sweetest baby on the planet. Seriously, you are a dream. If you'd spend a day screaming now and then I'd probably feel a lot better about this whole leaving you thing.

Life is short. Seeing B was such a reminder to make every day count.

See photos and videos from the trip.