Oops. I just bought a new Mercedes.

Well, not really.

But I just gave resigned from my job. Which may have a similar affect on our bank account over the next year.

 

One idea of luxury

Turns out, a Mercedes is not my kind of luxury.

 

Now, that's more like it.

My luxury will be spending some more time with you, tackling some projects that I'm never going to fit into our current work-life balance, and taking some steps to get stronger and healthier for the next half of life that is coming my way.

 

Because memories like these are (CHEESE) priceless.

Who knows, maybe I'll blog more.

Xoxo,
Mama

News from crazy town

Over the past month, just keeping up with schedules and messes has left us a bit ragged. And last week, some violent throwing up and diarrhea pushed us from barely coping (code orange) straight into surviving by sheer luck (code red - abort! abort!). Anyone watching may have discovered us acting a bit off our rockers, pretty much constantly. Here are just a few of such moments...

Lucy is trying to cure the hiccups by drinking out of the wrong side of the bowl. Daddy told her about this trick.

Henry is practicing his Batman moves on the street. And on the furniture. And on Lucy. And on Mom and Dad. And...well, you get the idea.

Mom is trying to hide from the kids. Shhh, they'll never find me in this disguise.

Daddy is racing away. Sadly, not nearly fast enough to actually escape.

Hopefully a bit of relaxation next week (all fingers and toes crossed!!) will prevent us from progressing to straight jackets and padded rooms.

Although, I'm not sure a padded rooms sound so bad...

xo,
Mama

Hooray, you still fit!

Afternoon with the girls

A day out of school gave us time to spend with dear Wendy and Djuna.

The littles had their feast. Chosen accompaniment: princesses, elves and such.

And the bigs had their feast. Chosen accompaniment: adult conversation. Ahhhhhh.

Take care of your girlfriends, you will NEVER grow out of needing them.

Falling for "Chrees"

Dearest Lucy,

Before I left for my bridge group tonight, you asked me for crayons and a stapler so you could make something. You also asked me what I would like on a picture and I told you flowers and fall leaves. I came home after you were asleep to find this...

Gah! I'm in love with it. It will be hard to wait until morning to tell you how just how much I adore every page.

Thank you oh so very  much!!!

Love,
Your Very Proud Mama

3 long months and counting

Dearest Papa,

Today, it is three months today since we lost you. Three very long months. I have missed you every day. And you have missed so much, not the least of which is Lucy in the dress that Jamie found at a secondhand store.

Lucy started Kindergarten. So many firsts - her first field trip (to the pumpkin patch), her first fire drill, her first trip to check out her own book at the library.

She is taking it all in stride, making friends, and soaking in knowledge like a sponge. You would be so proud of her.

Her art teacher taught her about drawing the human form and since then her artwork has changed. She wants to draw all of the time, on any piece of paper she sees.

My advice: don't leave out your tax or banking documents.

Henry is growing through a more challenging stage. He has had a difficult time adjusting to his new preschool. A constant stream of recent viruses (including one very special double-ear-infection-sinus-infection) has not helped.

He has made some BIG strides - potty training, dressing himself, playing cooperatively with others, riding a bike. Here he is, my own captain underpants.

He knows every letter, number, shape, and symbol. He loves worksheets and other games that challenge his mind. We are prepared for this gloriously nerd-like side of him, but not so much for the sports questions he has about baseball, soccer, and football. I think we will be signing him up for sports soon. He got some informal practice throwing sand at the beach. Unfortunately for Lucy (and dad and me), his aim is spot on.

We got the costume box out and he has been wearing them all over town this month. I thought putting a freshly potty trained boy in complicated-to-get-out-of costumes would be inviting a lot of mess, but he has been wonderful - so good that superhero status is probably just about right.

And I know you would be as happy as I am to see Dane's "Bat Bat" outfit walking about town again.

He has so many questions about you and your death. They come out of the blue, often while waiting in lines. At Fred Meyer "Does it hurt to drown?" At Ikea "When can we go see Papa?" As you can probably imagine, this leads to a lot of public crying by yours truly. Yup, I am a walking faucet. What else is there to do when he explains that his nap simply MUST wait because he really needs show you his new and-woops-now-dead pet beetle.

Your son is doing well. The way you and Lynda raised him and the example you set for him shines through. He does you proud over and over again every day.

He does have a few new gray hairs and he looks exhausted as often as not. He struggles to understand where he fits now that you are gone. Your relationship was a cornerstone for his Tribal identity and maybe that bridge has to be rebuilt. Or maybe he has to see that it has been there all along. At any right, a big pillar has gone out from under him. It will take him some time to believe he has what it takes to move forward without you.

And me? I don't know. So many busy nothings and big things and schedules to organize and parts to remember that keep our family running – I feel like I am running a three ring circus most of the time. I don't know what it felt like to drop from an airplane with a parachute or work explosives on a dam, but I can tell you that it takes a certain amount of bravery and skill to load the kids into THE BIG CAR cart and make a grocery run through Fred Meyer.

I would not call my responsibilities torture but keeping things rolling is not always a joy either. This mommy job has a steep learning curve and I'm still on it.

In the quiet moments, I miss you. I am still no where near prepared to think of you gone. It still hurts so much. Luckily, this kind of view helps a lot.

I feel a quiet evolution starting inside me and I don't know what it means. Everything in the world looks different now. Every. Single. Thing. Do you understand that? Do you know that you are that important to me? I had a chance to say the words and I think you believed me. For that, I am ever grateful.

Thankfully, there is still my mom and Lynda too. Top to bottom, they are both so amazing. And B and Bonna. And siblings and cousins and dear friends. The holidays will bring us back together. Maybe my dad will come for a visit here. Maybe life will start to smooth out. Maybe. Maybe. 

With all our love, 

Margaret

Just the kind of Monday Garfield warned us about

From start to finish, this has been a ridiculous day. I wish I could say it was a fluke, but with all the moving parts we have in our schedule lately, it's not the only one of its kind. In fact, this is kind of our new normal level of chaos. See if you can see just why it has me near cracking at the seams...

First of all, I don't usually work Mondays, but after some mayhem and missed days last week,  I had some urgent work to do today.

Fine. Found babysitter for Henry and got Lucy off to school.

I get in the car to go to go to work and it is out of gas.

I get to the gas station and realize I don't have my wallet.

Fine. Back in the car. Back home. Back to the gas station. And now, to work.

I get to my office needing to make some calls and I have no phone. Also I have no Internet as my ethernet cable has been dragged to the next room because a work order hadn't been completed to give someone else internet access. (Remember, I'm not supposed to be at work on Mondays so these things aren't supposed to be a problem.)

Fine. I go for my cell phone and I can't find it. Oops. Hoping I only left it in the car across campus.

Gah. Whatever.

Hurry. Hurry. Ignore the hopefully-not-too-urgent calls, drag back the ethernet cord and get some stuff done.

Dash out. Go straight to Henry's school for a behavior conference. Behavior conference? Yes. And while in the grand scheme of things, this might be an insignificant blip. For the moment, it feels just shy of completely overwhelming.

Get through the conference. Don't cry until I hit the parking lot. (+10 points!)

Get home to relieve the babysitter. Spend the next hour reading Mickey Mouse books on the bathroom floor while the boy is practicing but unproductive on the potty.

Way past nap time and starting to show. Henry won't nap so I lock him in his room at which point he - guess what... needs to poop!

I mistake his banging for "general banging" and not "I need to go to the bathroom" banging and ignore it just long enough to miss the big event and come into the room with a kid who has not napped but has pooped. In his room. He is also full of questions about why I wasn't there to take him to the potty.

Nice one mom. (-5,000 points)

Fine. Produce a mountain of laundry cleaning it up.

Snack. Go pick up Lucy.

**Bright spot**
Daddy shows up at school to meet us. Chances of survival rebound significantly. (+10,000 points!)

Home. Almost sit down to dinner as a family but just then Henry wants to go sit on the potty.

Spend most of mealtime in the potty reading Mickey Mouse books. Again.

Finally all sit down. Both kids have to be coaxed into eating any dinner. Henry defaults after 2 bites.

Fine. He does not feel well. Let's get him some medicine.

Get him in the stroller and start down the street until I realize that a stroller tire is completely flat.

Of course it is.

Into the car. To the store. Home again where both kids are starving because guess what? They didn't eat their dinner!

Oh lordy.

Fine. Feed them a snack while promising tomorrow night "you better eat at dinner! Because there is nothing afterward." Sure, sure mom. They do not seem moved.

While they make a mess with their snack, clean up the mess of dinner specifically cooked for the kids that they wouldn't eat. 

Pajamas. Tooth brushing. Some inane reading of fairy junk.

Upstairs: lights out.

Downstairs: preparing to start the whole rigamarole all over again tomorrow.

To top it all off, I have not seen my mom in 212 days. (-5 million points)

Sea garden pasta

Step one
Align the stars so the love of your life happens to be someone who can hook you up with a steady supply of morel mushrooms.

Step two
Birth a cute kid who will pick out pasta shells and dream up her own sea creature dinner.

Step three
Throw together your ocean:

• Coral: morels
• Rocks: beans
• Peas: pearls
• Shells: pasta
• Water: cream cheese with blue food coloring
• Octopus: sculpted hotdog with caviar eyes (glued on with mustard)

Step four
Serve with a snorkel.

This commute brought to you by bike, tram, car, and crazy

It feel so wonderful to finally be on our way. But wow - it is a busy life with kids in two different schools.

Today was our first day running the full routine and yikes, it feels a bit insane.

6 am	Margaret bikes 5 miles to the tram, and takes the tram to work
6:30 am	Daddy gets out of bed to 2 squirming kids, mom is arriving at work
8 am	Dressed and fed, Dad puts kids in the car to take them to school
8:15 am	First drop off, Henry goes off to Escuela
8:35 am	Second drop off, then Dad takes his bike off the car and heads to work
2 pm	Mom is back on the tram, then back onto her bike
2:50 pm	Mom arrives at Lucy's school to put her bike on the car
3 pm	First pick up, Lucy finishes school
4:30 pm	Second pickup, Henry finishes Escuela, Dad finishes up and gets on his bike
5 pm	Hopefully everyone is home and some semblance of dinner is underway.

Seriously? Yes, seriously. I don't work full time so we don't have to do this every day but 3 days a week is going to be plenty.

Livin' Escuela Viva

Henry, your first week of school went great! Even better than we hoped (no crying at all!). Your teacher made a home visit before school started and that seemed to help a lot. Plus there is a big yard, lots of wheeled toys, and plenty of kids to play chase with.

It seems pretty wonderful for you and you are excited to go every morning.

It's a dual language environment but not really an immersion program. The hope is that you will learn as much Spanish as you are interested in. I'm hoping that will be a fair bit but we will have to see.

So far, you are spending a lot of time practicing your rolling r's at home. Picture this times several hours.

We are thrrrrrrilled.

Love you,
Mama

Hello kindergarten

TODAY IS YOUR FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN!
(Such significance means all caps are pretty much required.)

You have been ready for months so we are all excited to see today come - no one more than you.

Lucy: "This is going to be the best day of my life."

Henry: "Can robot Henry go with Lucy?"

 

Mom and dad are watching you run off, trying to figure out how we got to this day when it seems like you were hiding in our coats looking like this just yesterday.

Seriously, wasn't that yesterday? Parenthood is a weird kind of time warp.

Buckman Elementary is (so far) wonderful and your teacher, Ms. Miles, is adorable. You even have a girl in your class named Persephone! Everything feels just right and we are so excited for you.

So have fun sweet girl. Always be kind, learn a lot, and stay safe.

We can't wait to hear all about it.

Love,

Mama

Trunky style

Your new backpack came from our favorite bin store in Salt Lake City. It had the name Miranda stitched on the front so I was going to put on a belly patch. You requested I sew on a dress instead and it turned out really cute.

At the salon

We got our haircut together yesterday. I have always cut your hair but I thought you would enjoy the salon experience. It didn't quite go that way...

Translation: you hated it. I am not sure why except that you have been quite the stress case waiting these last few weeks before Kindergarten. Poor girl, I know full well that anxiety is supreme torture.

After your cut, you wandered back to the lobby where you combined every sugar packet they had (14) with cold water and a tea bag to make a truly awful special cup of peppermint tea.

During your mixings, I got the same haircut I've been getting for years. It is sometimes a bit shorter or longer but always basically like this:

As I was using my phone to see the back of my head (little people keep breaking my hand mirror) - I was remembering all the perms I got as a kid. Usually just before school started - and lasting until spring, looking something like this.

I did not even know my hair was so curly until I visited humid Spain when I was 18. If there was any humidity in Utah, I would have escaped a lot of hours sitting in rollers.

A side dish of miracles

 

Pretty much sums up how I feel

It has been hectic since we got back. Things to catch up on. Household care to get back to. Routines to start up again.

I am moving forward and getting through it but I feel a bit lost. I keep losing track of time and days. It's like the clock stopped with Papa and all the gears are not quite moving again.

I had no idea how much it would hurt to lose him. How much it would shake up my well being from the core.

You are both watching a show. I was making some "whatever is in the vegetable bin" soup since getting to the store and finding what we need sounds strangely insurmountable. I did try but I have been so spacey that when I went, I forgot toilet paper not once, not twice, but THREE times. Thus, the fridge is a bit bare and there are boxes of kleenex by the toilets in the house.

And now - someone just brought us dinner. Kid friendly, healthy, veggie filled dinner. Another small miracle in our lives.

Bringing dinner, sending a card - these things may not have seemed heroic a few weeks ago but they sure do now. I really had no idea how valuable and helpful this careful support could be.

I had no idea we are so loved and cared for.

I am grateful. I am humbled. And you are both fed and happy.

7/26/2013

It feels like everything in the world shifted this day. Every single thing.

We are still catching up to the changes. Trying to pull our way out of where we are and start on a path ahead. Still trying to find meaning in those numbers, in the trail of events before and after, in the feelings we have yet to sort through, in what is left behind, in all of it.

We will travel home tomorrow and I don't know what happens after that. I would like to find some time to write down all that has happened over the past few weeks. So much between then and now with community and family coming together and the most intense funeral and memorial I may ever experience.

I'm not sure when that will be. Time feels strange and I can't gauge the days or the hours. Maybe because part of me will always be at 7/26/2013.

In Jeremy's words:
This is Elmer's son Jeremy. I am still in such shock and grief, but am so proud of my father's final act of heroism that I just have to share it with the world.

Yesterday my mom and dad took my nephews to my dad's favorite sturgeon fishing spot on the Snake River, called Buffalo Eddy. While he was preparing the fishing poles, two of my nephews were playing and splashing in the river. A big jet boat zoomed past the beach where they were and the resulting wave from the wake washed the two boys into the swift current of the river. My older nephew tried helping his younger cousin and my dad jumped in to help them. He got a hold on the younger one, freeing the older grandson to swim to shore, which he did. As the river pulled them further and further out, the current started pulling the two under. My dad, submerged by this time, managed to get his grandson's feet on his shoulders and stabilize him by reaching up to hold his waist. Just as his grandson started dipping below the surface, a boat reached them and pulled him in, but by that time, my dad had already perished in the river. His final act of lifting my nephew above the water for those last few moments was what saved his grandson's life but cost him his own.

News coverage:
http://www.boiseweekly.com/CityDesk/archives/2013/07/28/nez-perce-elder-dies-after-saving-grandson-from-drowning
The online memorial:
https://www.facebook.com/ElmerCrowMemorial
Obituary:
http://lmtribune.com/obituaries/article_268f0e5c-0b56-5b5e-935b-c958cbb32b02.html
Funeral and memorial program:
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B8od1LL8JoelYW1ZU1g5ZkJ2d28/

I promise

I promise to be more
to be better
to be stronger
because I knew
you.

I promise to respect life
showing reverence
to natural beauty
in its every form.

I promise to laugh

to love

to nurture

to give

to reach out to others 

the way you reached out to me.

I promise to
Be Here
even though you are not.

I will stand up
Boldly
for the ones you left behind.

I promise

every rose
every cup of coffee
every electric train
every fishing pole
every Indian drum
every snap shirt
every Johnny Cash song
every Mento
every sunrise
every starry night sky

every wild animal call
will remind me

of you.

I promise to listen
if you call
and imagine your words
and your spirit with me
if you do not.

You are with me
and I am with you
always
I promise.