When Lucy was around 8 weeks old, I was still constantly (and painfully) engorged. I was awake half of the night - not with a fussy baby, but with a chest full of milk I didn't know what to do with.
I was at a loss with rock-hard, painful breasts that felt weighted like giant sacks of wet sand. Yes, painful, G-cup sand bags. Strapped to the front of my chest. Not quite the serene image of tranquility my copy of "Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" showed the cover. What was I doing wrong?
So I went to a breastfeeding support group to complain of my woes and get some helpful advice or at least some sympathy. Why was this breastfeeding thing so hard?
But when I got there. I found a sad sight and a very sorry group.
All of the other 10 or so mothers attending were dealing with the opposite problem - not enough milk for their tiny infants.
Each of them was clearly distressed over their baby's wellbeing - to the point of pulling out their hair and teetering on the edge of hysteria. Seriously, these women did not look good. Many of them were regulars who came because the facility had a medical scale so they could check for "adequate" weight gain. They were lined up, with furrowed brows, taking their fragile little bundles up to the scale. Five ounces gained was a celebration. Two ounces – a face full of worry. No change – tears. I can only guess there were hours and hours of agonizing over those numbers. I watched from the back as the whole depressing train passed through.
Lucy was
not weighed that day. She lay beside me during the whole episode - the only chubby (make that tick-like) baby in the room. She had already doubled her birth weight (by two weeks) and was now (in Uncle Jayson words) so fat she could hardly open her eyes. Feedings for us were down to 15 minutes total. Some of these moms were keeping their babies at breast for HOURS in hopes of stimulating milk production. HOURS.
After class, I did (quietly) ask for some help and got the same run down - don't overpump, only one side per feeding, hot pack, cold pack, bla bla bla - along with the "You are soooo lucky." Sure sure - you take the prickly, rock boobs for a week and tell me if you feel lucky.
But - I did come home with a new perspective on my situation and an appreciation for *Abundance*. Mastitis and pugged ducts are awful. But at least my nipples were not about to fall off after being sucked on for 20 of the last 24 hours. You think you know insanity? Breastfeeding women will SHOW you insanity.
So, I tried to stay positive and I tried every bit of their advice.
I still ended up with flaming hard boobs and several bouts of the dreaded mastitis (which feels precisely like have your boob stomped on and then drop-kicked by Mr. Ed. Oh, and you also have the flu) over the next few months.
Alas, we made it through and around 6 months things got much better. By 9 months, it was really great. We sailed through to about 15 months when, pregnant with Henry, I really needed to be through. We pushed Lucy all the way over to cow's milk and I shelved "the girls" for a short reprieve.
When Henry was born, I ignored all that "helpful" advice and did what I thought was best for me - pumping whenever things got uncomfortable, living with cabbage in my bra for weeks at a stretch, and definitely letting the baby sleep however long they wanted and I could stand.
I've still had too much milk and I've still had plugged ducts and mastitis. I would never say it's been easy but it has been much better the second time around. As our ancestors out on the Savannah surely knew, the first one is tough but by the 8th baby, breastfeeding is a breeze!
I've also been prepared from the start to give my excess milk away to moms that need it. I did that a little last time but ended throwing a lot away. This time, I put the word out with a few people and low and behold, a small herd of infants has partaken of my "mommy snacks." Knowing I am helping other moms and babies has made time at the pump much more worthwhile.
And despite it all, despite EVERYTHING - I've still enjoyed nursing. And I would still choose it again.
How is that possible?
First of all - even with my complaints and woes - part of me LOVES it. I love the baby time - the constant interaction and touch roping between me and my baby's every meal. It's a small fix after the addiction that was carrying you in my womb. The need is physical. The need is emotional. The need is genetically coded into every cell of my body: HAVE BABY, WILL FEED.The second part as powerful as the baby lust that got us here in the first place.
Secondly - Big Fat Juicy Babies. What can I say - the diet agrees with you. Somehow, somewhere, my body was designed to make milk and your bodies are designed to thrive on it. Especially early on, when you felt so tiny and fragile, I was grateful to see you totally content after meals and consistently growing and healthy. Feeling confident about your health and welfare goes along way in making up for the pain in the (ahem) bum that breastfeeding sometimes is.
And last - perhaps I'll partly be breastfeeding for a while because weening isn't as easy as it sounds. I don't event know what to do with the milk I have sometimes - let alone know how to cut back on your feedings. Even if I have a frustrating day of it, I can't just up and quit. It takes weeks to wean. And like I said, I'm addicted to the baby time - so even though part of me wants the separation, there is sadness in letting it go.
So what is my advice?
1. Listen to your body and what is telling you.
Fighting your own body is a painful and frustrating pursuit. I followed all the advice to cut my milk supply and none of it worked. I am sure moms with not enough milk have the same thing happen. Do what you feel good about and then make the best of too much or not enough milk. I lean on my pump way more than the "experts" tell me too. Why is there a problem with using formula when you need to?
You can give your baby formula - 100% guilt free! It doesn't mean you are not a good mother and it doesn't mean you love your baby any less. And your darling baby is not going to spontaneously develop asthma, ADHD, and a third arm just because you couldn't provide it with human milk. I promise!
Which brings me to #2.
2. Be careful of the literature - the bias towards breastfeeding goes beyond cruel and unreasonable.
Like fashion magazines and body image, those "5 simple steps to breastfeeding" articles in Parents magazines and even the "Breast is Best" handout from your doctor may be giving you an airbrushed version of the truth. I wish they'd give women more credit and leave the cellulite and wrinkles intact. We can be trusted with the real information and still make good decisions for our babies. Really - we can.
The truth is - the health benefits of breastfeeding are probably oversold. Research does not consistently show that breastfeeding raises iq's or saves kids from asthma (both are headlines on magazines in our house right now). Some studies show benefits over formula. Others show little difference. I have not seen any that take a reasonable approach to study a mixed diet including both. Why so much emphasis on one or the other?
It is your body and your baby. Do not be afraid to tell all crazy "lactivists" to back off (or suck it - ha!). Whatever works for you (and your wife, and your friend, and the lady down the street) is OK. All breast, all formula, some of both - totally fine. Don't judge and make this one more thing women compare and size each other up by.
3. Be prepared to put a LOT of time and effort into feeding your baby - especially at the start.
Breastfeeding may be natural but it isn't easy and it is incredibly time consuming. It takes a lot of patience and a healthy sense of humor, especially while mom and baby are learning the ropes. And if you are pumping, that's another learning curve. And the time commitment can double when there is a problem.
Let's do the math:
So let's say, 45 minutes every 2.5 hrs = which is 7.2 hours / day (just under a full-time job)
Come on - not even porn stars use their boobs that much! We are talking A LOT of time here.
Once you get the hang of things, it does get much faster and easier but you need a lot of time those first few weeks JUST for breastfeeding. So relax, enjoy the baby time, and don't try to do anything else.
4. Create a boob-friendly environment.
Positioning baby at breast isn't as easy as it looks in those diagrams - especially in the beginning when baby's tiny head has to be fully supported. Later, you will surely develop the skillZ to discretely nurse in public. But at first, you just need the freedom to leave those suckers(ha!) out where you can watch baby's latch and suction. If you are not comfortable sharing this view with your father-in-law or your uncle Bob, make sure you have a comfortable spot to relax with baby behind a door that locks. Or start early and have house guests read up on National Geographic, hang out at hot springs, and watch HBO so they are totally desensitized to seeing BOOBS everywhere.
5. Hang in there and savor the good stuff. Really, really savor.
When it isn't working, it's like -5. But when it is working, it's like +9000. It's just amazing and totally perfect. There really is nothing like it in the world.
I love you my little babies - my darling chunks of delicious baby meats. Breastfeeding has not been easy but I am truly grateful for every minute you have spent in these arms.
Love,
Mama
