State of this union

Please.

Don't waste my time with talk of tank tops.

Or women seeking priesthood.

Or just how e x a c t l y one's sexuality must be reigned

Change is painful but it's more than time.

And there is so much more.

SO much more to be done.

Dirty rivers and oceans
Rampant waste of the earth's resources
Poverty and homelessness
War zones
Gun violence
Third world injustices
Rape culture (do you understand what that means?)
Mine fields
Energy crises
Climate change
Widespread obesity and eating disorders

Get over it already.

We have BIG problems to fix.

Defining my place in what is to come by my chromosomal makeup is not helping me.

I want to serve a purpose. Be a force of change. Lend my passions to bettering lives and our planet. Inspire others to be brave. Move forward to create stronger communities and a healthier culture.

I want to live up to my heroes. Not down to your fears.

And you want to talk about tank tops.

#yesallwomen

Sexism. Misogyny. Do you know what these are? Do you know what they look like? They are real. We are (and will always be) fighting to keep them out of your life.

This is what they have looked like in my life.

When I was 5 and playing "house" with friends, we always disussed our husband's jobs but never our own. We never considered options outside being home with babies.

Recently, you have been talking about a possible career as a vet, a pet costume designer, or a magician.

When I was in junior high, a boy lied about someone feeling me up on the bus. It never happened but I got called a slut for weeks anyway. My best friend (a boy) believed him and we weren't even friends after that. I dreaded school for the rest of the year. And I never told my mom or a teacher because I was so embarrassed and thought it was probably my fault.

Growing breasts was hugely traumatic. It changed the way girls and boys (and adults!) treated me.  After taking my measurements for costumes, my high school dance teacher called me "that kind of girl" with a wink in front of the whole class. Somehow I was considered more sexual than others because of a bust size I had no control over.

Remarks about my body created almost constant anxiety while doing what I loved best - dancing.

Men wore activity-appropriate, less-covering sports clothing and showered together at school. But women around me followed a modest dress code ALL THE TIME - so much so that I never saw naked bodies. The only bodies I saw were in advertisements. This encouraged me and others to compare ourselves to unrealistic and unhealthy standard of beauty.

Naked bike ride? YES. I want you to see a REAL naked body for every one that you see in advertising. Marketers should not own our body expectations or desires.

Several times in junior high and high school, I felt guilt after being grabbed or touched inappropriately. Again, I felt it must have been something I did, or something I wore.

I often wore baggy shirts to hide a frame that drew unwanted attention.

I often acted dumb, or fine, or not hungry - altering my attributes and needs to meet the expectations of my dates. I thought attention was something I needed to earn by being just the right amount of cute-smart-fun. Any attention I earned could be something I owed back in praise or physical attention.

I didn't know or like this boy but if he bought me a nice dinner, I probably let him kiss me.

When I was single, "I have a boyfriend" was always more likely to get a guy to back off than "no." If I really felt unsafe, I used a fake wedding ring to mark myself as claimed. And it worked.

Even now, the wedding ring on my finger that makes me feel safer around men, and sometimes more acceptable to women. I am not free game. I am not competition.

Even now, I can never leave my drink unattended at a bar or a party. It isn't safe.

Even now, men doing the same work I do make more money.

Even now, I am always aware of an exit or way to escape if I am around some men.

The good news is times are changing.

Expectations of women and men are rising.

A person deserves to be treated well no matter what they are wearing.

A person's sexuality and life choices are complex and can't be assessed by what their body is shaped like or by what they wear.

We limit your access to advertising and surround you with respectful people who want everyone to be safe and comfortable being themselves.

Using the peace sign at school where your teachers constantly talk about kindness and caring for friends. 

And I feel like Portland is a much safer place to live than Salt Lake City.

Acceptance of gays means renewed respect for diversity and safety for all people.

If gays are more accepted and safer on our streets, you will be too. Nothing makes me feel more safe than seeing our neighbor casually walking down the street in drag.

I want you to grow up in a world that loves and respects both of you. I want you to be able to handle the confusion, the difficulty, and the intense feelings you have when being with other people. Communicating your interests and feelings respectfully is difficult - but you will learn to do it! You are not going to take advantage of others. You are not going to stand by while others take advantage of you.

Yes. Despite our efforts, misogyny will touch you. Sexism will be encouraged and played out by people around you. And I hope to prepare you to act as needed to protect yourself and maybe even others.

Be respectful. Be brave. Ask for help. You are worth helping. And you are so very loved.

Love,
Mama

A day for cherishing fathers

I can't decide if it is terrible, or fitting, that your dad is finalizing the design for papa's grave marker today. We will be placing it this July, on the anniversary of his death.

It's definitely fitting that we are thinking about Papa. He continues to have a big fathering presence in your life as – to your dad – he still defines much of what a father should be: solid, constant, loving, forever teaching, and fun!

Yesterday, he taught you another of Papa's games - the two-finger money grab. To win, you have to catch a dollar bill with two fingers as it is dropped through them. Since the bill is released so slowly that neither party knows when it will fall, it is almost impossible to catch unless by complete luck. Papa used to play it with the kids on payday with a $100 bill! Apparently, Jamie won once - so maybe you'll catch some money this way after all.

Choosing the perfect dad for my children was a little like that game. Who knows how I did it, but I sure caught the bill by choosing your dad. Marrying him is the best parenting decision I have ever made.

You both love him so much and show it often. There is nothing sweeter than watching you run to him as he comes home. Or seeing things that you have made for him.

I am also thinking of my own father.

And of my mother's father who went to war when she was 5 and died when she was 8.

Dad's are an amazing thing. And I think you got the best one of all.

Love,
Mama

Two partially-nude images, guess which one has me incensed

The Naked Bike Ride was this weekend. It is weird, fun, and very Portland. And it is important.

These riders are banding together to say "Drivers beware – even fully dressed, bicyclists are easy to hurt! And cut us a little slack please, it takes guts to ride a bike beside two-ton cars and ten-ton buses!"

As someone who rides a bike on our city streets (and hopes you will be able to in a few years), I appreciate their dedication to making these messages heard.

I'm fine with: Portlanders baring their own,
real bodies for a good cause.
Photo: BikePortland.org

But they are naked?!! A few people in our fair city are in a huff. Wonder why I am not?

Well, since you both have human bodies and are in the long process of learning when to share them appropriately, I offer you this handy chart that can help you figure it out for your self.

NOT a problem	IS a problem
Having or seeing a naked body is not a problem.	Taking advantage of any human body (naked or otherwise) is a problem.
Having an imperfect body is not a problem.	Taking advantage of someone's insecurities about their human body is a problem.
Making a well thought out and meaningful choice about sharing your naked body is not a problem.	Not understanding and considering possible consequences (or being old enough to understand/consider consequences) before sharing your naked body is a problem.
Making a decision about your human body that you are NOT ashamed of (and could tell anyone if you needed to) is not a problem.	Making a decision about your body that you ARE ashamed about and don't want anyone to know is a problem.
Finding another human body attractive is not a problem	Objectifying a human body (treating it as an object instead of a person) is a problem.
Human sexuality is not a problem.	Sexualizing human bodies (especially young ones) is a problem.
Nude imagery meant to educate or respectfully portray the human experience is not a problem	Creating photoshopped-to-perfection imagery of bodies designed to SELL THINGS is a problem.

I DO find objections to kind of imagery.

I can't stand(!!!): unrealistic body imagery designed to sell stuff
Photo: horrible company I will never buy anything from

All in all, it is MUCH more likely that our family will be in the naked bike ride, than I will ever buy you something from the dreaded VC. Yuck.

Love,
Mama

Date nights with Lucy and invisible Henry

Lucy, I love our date nights. You get to pick the dinner and activities and I take you where you want to go. It is great because with you making the choices, I have the opportunity to relax and enjoy learning more about you.

Usually, we eat ham sandwiches or pizza and go to a movie.

Always, you pretend Henry has gone invisible and is coming with us. "Mom, you have to buckle his seat belt," you call from the back seat. Once I've bucked "him" in, we drive away while I listen to your conversation with him. "Henry, isn't it nice that I let you have the side you want. And here is a book. Do you want me to read it to you? OK." My heart inflating with happiness on every word.

You have always been such a sweet girl. Lately, your generosity and caring for others is growing so much. What a treat for mom to witness this small example of it.

I love you so so so so much,
Mama

I am the mother of dragons

Sometimes the world can feel like a small place. Here I thought I was the only one, and there is actually another mother of dragons in our circle of acquaintances. And I will tell you, it is wonderful to finally find someone who shares my struggles to commiserate with!

Sit down, get to know us. Who knows. Someday, you too might be raising dragons.

First meet: Khaleesi

Don't try this at home; Targaryen genetics keep
Khaleesi's hair safe from dragon fire.

Also known as:

Daenerys of House Targaryen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons

Lives in:
Mereen, Game of Thrones, HBO

She says she is their mom, but the familial resemblence is sketchy.

Entourage/staff:
Hand maiden
Team of advisors
Army of 8,000 unsullied
Masses of adoring Dothraki

Although not strictly necessary, Khaleesi admits an army
comes in handy when raising dragons.

Parenting profile:
Khaleesi inherited 3 dragon eggs which she hatched through fire. Due to her freedom-espousing ideals and busy schedule of royal duties, her parenting style is laid back and mostly hands off. Many of today's overbearing, over-scheduling helicopter parents might call her "neglectful" but fans of the free range parenting movement could be inspired. On a typical day, Khaleesi feeds her dragons live sheep, makes doe eyes at them, and then lets them roam wherever they want. Her aspirations for her dragons include growing big enough to sick on her enemies. She has a very busy social calendar but you can get to know her better by tuning into her show, Sunday nights at 9 pm.

Famous quote: "Dragon raising is dirty work."

And second we have: Your Mom

Often seen out and about with dragons.

Also known as:

Ma'am, Hey you, Hot Stuff (formerly), Mother of Dragons

Lives in:
Your House, The Real World, Earth

Incredibly fast and often disguised, dragons can be hard to keep track of. 

Entourage/staff:
Dad
(crickets)

She claims dragon hugs are wonderful and usually safe.

Parenting profile:
Your Mom has two human children that turn into winged lizards multiple times each day in an activity they call "The Dragon Game." Possibly outmatched by her dragons, Your Mom likes to keep her parenting expectations low: mainly surviving the day and not letting her dragons mutilate each other. She espouses what scientific circles call CTFD Parenting (thats Calm the F&#*; Down to novices) which is defined by an optimistic belief that everything will eventually be ok paired with simplistic goals for day-today life such as not poisoning anybody. Critics might call her "neurotic" but she chooses to call herself "pragmatic" and even "creative." A typical day finds her reading the same book about animals that wear clothes 17 times, building endless train tracks, combing Barbie hair for hours, and saying "I'll be right back" before running to the other side of the house to hide. She hopes that, eventually, her dragons will be capable of independence, effective communication, loving relationships, and problem solving skills beyond burning things down and eating people. Her dragons are wonderful and you may want to stop by and meet her. But if you find that she doesn't answer the door, it is most likely because she is locked in the bathroom deciding what to feed her dragons for dinner.

Famous quote: "Um, I need to go the bathroom."

Wondering what a dragon birth looks like? In rare seen footage, see the birth of Dragon Henry here:

Dear Millie,

Happy birthday! What are you up to today? I wish we could celebrate with you.

I feel sadness living so far away from you. I want to be one of your crazy neighbors. I want to be a person that works on projects with you. Or at least one of those people can just stop by to see you on a whim. What a luxury!!

Probably around the time you talked mom and dad into a sleepover
and then took me and Erin Briggs to get donuts. I'll never forget that.

And I am still sorry that we lost so many years with you. There was some compartmentalizing of relationships during those years. I worked on things with other siblings and mom. And mostly on me and my marriage. And it was good to have space to do that. I had a lot of growing up to do.  I did not have the skills to respond to your truth and your anger (I had to go along way to acknowledge my own!). But I missed you. Nothing was the same without you. I am so grateful for your forgiveness and acceptance of my faults that I am sure is still not easy.

In the era of matching shirts, the family band, the house expansion,
a room full of roller skates, bird-filled trees and boat trips.

What I do have with you transcends any regrets. I am so grateful for the childhood memories. For the fun we always have when you are around. For you coming here! For the clothes and doodads you have handed down to our kids that remind me constantly of you. For the wonderful example you set as a mother. For the insights you casually dole out that (you probably don't know) help me EVERY day.

At Grandma's funeral - I was so happy to have us all together again.
Siblings in college and adult life felt a little bit like abandonment.

Do you understand that your words have had a big impact on my life? You can see things and you can say things that cut to the truth. It is not easy and it is not a common skill. I am amazed by it. And hope you realize just how unique and helpful your perspective can be to our family and those around you.

LA! Ginger! George! To me, you were EXOTIC! 

With such strong essence, even our limited time has had a huge impact on my life. I think of you often and I love you very, very much.

No doubt, making us laugh at one of dad's weddings. 

For better or worse, yours is one of the strongest voices in my head. And I see it as a "better." I think you have made me better. And I am so grateful for that.

See that look? That is pure love and ADORATION.

And your artistic perspective and talents amaze me! I am so proud of you!!! You have accomplished great things!!! How do you do it??? Where does your pool of ideas come from??? Could your kids be any more wonderful????? No, I don't think so.

Your girls!!!! Scenes like this make me so happy!

It is such an honor to be your sister. I'm excited to see what comes next for you. And help if I can (Yes - I really want to!).

Love and happiness that I will see you soon,

Margaret

Celebrating Richard Scarry (and women's lib!)

Happy Birthday Richard Scarry!!

For a man who's artistic skills began with copying his mom's handwriting to get out of class and sketching nude women, Richard Scarry came a long way to become one of the world's most loved children's book illustrators and authors. And the world has come a long way beside him.

See more side-by-side comparisons here.

As his books have been printed and reprinted, more and more pieces have been updated to capture the changes in our culture and attitudes. Less sexism. Less racism.

In old versions of his books, the doctors/astronauts/firefighters/cops/constructions workers were always men. Women only come into play as moms, nurses, and teachers.

In a time before Huckle's mom could buy her own damn dress.

Your dad has been altering the genders as we have been reading the books all along. You might say his reading makes them super-feminist. But a new one we got from the library is catching up.

Land alive - I do believe it's a female dentist!

But I must admit, one of my favorites as a kid was "Pierre Bear" about an Alaskan bear who bought his wife during a trip to town.

There was a bit about the whole family wearing matching coats that got me every time.

It is out of print, and out of style - just like misogyny. Ahhhh. Maybe we should celebrate with some matching coats.

xoxo,
Mama

The rest of the story...

During pre-parade judging, this happened (yay!).

And then 3 long hours of waiting (boo!).

And then just as our part was beginning: CRASH. Lucy loses it and spends the parade in the stroller crying and then speaking v-e-r-y s-l-ow-l-y in meandering words about colored tape(?). Out. Of. It.

Henry after waving to all from the wagon during the parade (yay!), proceeds to drop trow and pee in the middle of the after-party (boo!).

So, they typical parenting day's mixture of happiness and torture, pride and utter humiliation. We finished it off with this.

Love you guys!
Mama

Kindergarten hair chronicles

Hair bun with NO brushing = lots 'o hairspray = Paul Mitchell = smells like my mom = all around happiness

Fingers crossed the hairdo (and the happiness!) last through today's Junior Rose Festival Parade. A tall order after yesterday's field trip to the zoo. These last few weeks of school are BUSY.