#yesallwomen

Sexism. Misogyny. Do you know what these are? Do you know what they look like? They are real. We are (and will always be) fighting to keep them out of your life.

This is what they have looked like in my life.

When I was 5 and playing "house" with friends, we always disussed our husband's jobs but never our own. We never considered options outside being home with babies.

Recently, you have been talking about a possible career as a vet, a pet costume designer, or a magician.

When I was in junior high, a boy lied about someone feeling me up on the bus. It never happened but I got called a slut for weeks anyway. My best friend (a boy) believed him and we weren't even friends after that. I dreaded school for the rest of the year. And I never told my mom or a teacher because I was so embarrassed and thought it was probably my fault.

Growing breasts was hugely traumatic. It changed the way girls and boys (and adults!) treated me.  After taking my measurements for costumes, my high school dance teacher called me "that kind of girl" with a wink in front of the whole class. Somehow I was considered more sexual than others because of a bust size I had no control over.

Remarks about my body created almost constant anxiety while doing what I loved best - dancing.

Men wore activity-appropriate, less-covering sports clothing and showered together at school. But women around me followed a modest dress code ALL THE TIME - so much so that I never saw naked bodies. The only bodies I saw were in advertisements. This encouraged me and others to compare ourselves to unrealistic and unhealthy standard of beauty.

Naked bike ride? YES. I want you to see a REAL naked body for every one that you see in advertising. Marketers should not own our body expectations or desires.

Several times in junior high and high school, I felt guilt after being grabbed or touched inappropriately. Again, I felt it must have been something I did, or something I wore.

I often wore baggy shirts to hide a frame that drew unwanted attention.

I often acted dumb, or fine, or not hungry - altering my attributes and needs to meet the expectations of my dates. I thought attention was something I needed to earn by being just the right amount of cute-smart-fun. Any attention I earned could be something I owed back in praise or physical attention.

I didn't know or like this boy but if he bought me a nice dinner, I probably let him kiss me.

When I was single, "I have a boyfriend" was always more likely to get a guy to back off than "no." If I really felt unsafe, I used a fake wedding ring to mark myself as claimed. And it worked.

Even now, the wedding ring on my finger that makes me feel safer around men, and sometimes more acceptable to women. I am not free game. I am not competition.

Even now, I can never leave my drink unattended at a bar or a party. It isn't safe.

Even now, men doing the same work I do make more money.

Even now, I am always aware of an exit or way to escape if I am around some men.

The good news is times are changing.

Expectations of women and men are rising.

A person deserves to be treated well no matter what they are wearing.

A person's sexuality and life choices are complex and can't be assessed by what their body is shaped like or by what they wear.

We limit your access to advertising and surround you with respectful people who want everyone to be safe and comfortable being themselves.

Using the peace sign at school where your teachers constantly talk about kindness and caring for friends. 

And I feel like Portland is a much safer place to live than Salt Lake City.

Acceptance of gays means renewed respect for diversity and safety for all people.

If gays are more accepted and safer on our streets, you will be too. Nothing makes me feel more safe than seeing our neighbor casually walking down the street in drag.

I want you to grow up in a world that loves and respects both of you. I want you to be able to handle the confusion, the difficulty, and the intense feelings you have when being with other people. Communicating your interests and feelings respectfully is difficult - but you will learn to do it! You are not going to take advantage of others. You are not going to stand by while others take advantage of you.

Yes. Despite our efforts, misogyny will touch you. Sexism will be encouraged and played out by people around you. And I hope to prepare you to act as needed to protect yourself and maybe even others.

Be respectful. Be brave. Ask for help. You are worth helping. And you are so very loved.

Love,
Mama